


tongue tied

by cherryx



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Best Friends to Lovers, Boarding School AU, Confident Donghyuck, Confused Bisexual Mark, Cuddles, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Petty Nomin, Slice of Life, Underage Drinking, cursing, jeno makes his comeback to the school and drama happens, sides markhyuck, teenagers being teenagers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-02
Updated: 2018-10-15
Packaged: 2019-06-20 22:22:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 26,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15543405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherryx/pseuds/cherryx
Summary: where jeno and jaemin haven’t seen or talked to each other in years—that is, until jeno comes back and they have to face reality.





	1. come back home

**Author's Note:**

> so... this will _probably_ be a thing. it’s different from my first nomin and it will be chaptered by anygays;;; hope you guys like it! (also, forgive me if there’s mistakes lmao)  
>  the title is from 2ne1’s come back home (duh)

 

⌘

 

Jaemin walks through the corridor mindlessly—he’s done studying for the day and has everything under control, not taking too much time doing his homework like he thought he would. He’s the class’ _ace_ for a reason, after all. The week was pretty rushed but he still managed to find time to help Chenle and Renjun out, his friends needing all the help they could get. He hasn’t had the time to go on social media though, something everyone from his class _definitely_ has time to do since they always seem to know more about celebrities than school related stuff. _Grandpa_ —he hears Renjun’s voice inside his head.

 

He chooses to take a quick look through Instagram, finding his friends’ posts and liking it, sometimes leaving comments. He also goes through some of his favorite celebrities’ Instagram, because _of course_ he needs to know what Tiffany Hwang has been up to in the States. But he regrets it instantly when he catches one of Mark’s posts, from nearly 3 hours ago, scrolling down as fast as he can. _Fuck_ . He didn’t have to see it, okay? That stupid face— _not_ Mark’s. Ugh. You see, _that’s_ why he tries to ignore Instagram and Twitter. Even Facebook. It’s filled with _that person_ and he doesn’t want to see it. He doesn’t, okay?

 

(But it’s too late, because he’s seen it—and he keeps thinking about it while he lies awake in his bed. He thinks about eyes going into crescents, soft voice and bright smiles.)

  
  


⌘

  


“And cut!”

Everyone collectively comes out of character, huge smiles and a few tears in their eyes while they clap.

“Thank you guys so much! You guys have no idea how much it warms my heart that we’re wrapping the another season after years together. I love you all.”

Mark’s arm wraps around his shoulder and he pushes Jeno closer, doing the same with Hyuck.

“Can’t believe we’re wrapping season 5!”

Hyuck gives Mark his brightest smile.

“I know, right?! I’m glad we’re together in this!”

Hyuck hugs both of them before noticing Mark’s cheeks going red, but Jeno is a good friend and is definitely not going to make fun of Mark—in front of Hyuck.

 

After having their little moment inside their bubble while hugging each other they start greeting their co-stars, hugging every one of them and then their staff. The cast is like family by now, years spending months on a roll together, being away from their _real_ families. Jeno is really lucky to have Donghyuck and Mark with him; Hyuck and Jeno were from the same agency back in Korea and met when they were around five to six years old. It was pure luck that Mark, who was also from their boarding school and their _friend_ , happened to be called for one of the main roles.

  


\ \ \

 

There’s a after party the next day and they’re excited, but also feeling nostalgic. The cast posts some pictures on Instagram talking about the wrapping, there’s a few Insta Stories with behind the scenes and Jeno can’t really think about anything to post. There’s a lot he wants to talk about, to express, but he doesn’t really know how. Maybe a video? Who knows, right? Maybe he’s feeling like that because he’ll only come back to shoot another season after a few months and he’s always resistant about it—he grew up in the sets, with these people, in this life, leaving and facing the real world is always somehow difficult. Especially this time.

 “It’s a party, Jeno! Act like it!”

Donghyuck screams above the loud music, motioning Jeno to dance like him and he complies against his will, letting the redhead take him further into the dance floor. Mark appears out of nowhere jumping onto his back, their friends joining them and it becomes a _real_ party very soon, Donghyuck yelling to the DJ telling him to— _“PLAY ABBA!”_ —and everyone vibrates when Dancing Queen starts playing, Donghyuck going out of his mind.

There are a lot of photos taken, videos shot, drinks for the legal ones, a lot of pizza and somehow they end up in the pool. Jeno didn’t even drink, although he knows they could if they wanted to, and everything still went by in a blur. He remembers the part where Mark and Donghyuck decided to join the DJ and made him play Rebecca Black’s _Friday_ and OutKast’s _Hey Ya!_ —it’s pretty easy to say it was one of the best nights of his life. 

They still have a curfew to follow, so by midnight they’re back in their hotel room—they’re no longer in their apartment because they’re going to take off to Vegas soon with the crew for an award show. So they’re bored, laying around the living room eating pizza and Chinese food, so—why not turn VLive on when their managers are away?

  
  


⌘

  


_“Hello everyone!”_

_“Hello!”_

_“Hi everyone… please come in.”_

_“What’s the time difference?”_  

_“Uhhh… around sixteen hours, I guess?”_

_“It’s almost one in the morning here.”_ Jeno laughs awkwardly as if he’s been caught. _“So it’s afternoon in Seoul, right?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“Oh, look! There’s over ten thousand people now. Can we start?”_

_“Yeah.”_  

_“Hi everyone! I’m Haechan.”_

_“I’m Jeno. Hi guys!”_

_“And I’m Mark. We’re here to talk a bit.”_

_“They want to know where we are.”_

  _“Uh—in a hotel room, actually. We’re going to the SAG award in Vegas in two days. We’re really excited!”_

_“I’m excited for the new season.”_ Donghyuck reads out loud. _“You should be! We had a lot of fun shooting it! Young &Freaky just get better, man.” _

_“It’s not even because we’re in it.”_

_“Definitely not!”_

_“How has everyone been, hmm? Jeno and I just finished our English exams, we aced it!”_

_“They really did. They’re better at English than I am.”_

_“You were never that good in the first place, Mark.”_

_“Dude, ouch!”_

_“Both of you, shut up! I’m trying to read the comments…”_

Mark’s phone rings and he laughs.

_“Everyone! Our friends from Korea are texting me… It’s Jisungie, he’s watching our live with our friends Renjun and Chenle.”_

_“Oh! Hi Renjun! Hi Chenle! Jisungie! I miss you guys.”_  

_“We can’t wait to see you guys.”_

 Donghyuck’s hand finds Jeno’s shoulder and he gently squeezes it.

  _“We’re going back to school this year, yeah. Classes already started almost two months ago and we’ve been trying to keep up. During the hiatus we’ll go back…”_  

_“It’s been a while for me.”_ Jeno starts talking, not really knowing how to finish. _“Years, really. Since I was studying and living here, there was no reason to go back, I guess.”_

Donghyuck nods, cracking a joke when noticing how stiff Jeno looks, Mark’s hand caressing his thigh for a few seconds.

_“It’s Mark’s last year, everyone! Thank God.”_

_“Everyone, Haechan is going to miss me like crazy, he just likes to fool himself.”_

  _“You wish.”_

_“Yeah, I do.”_

Jeno smirks at the flirty bickering, distracted reading a few of the comments and answering some of them randomly while Mark and Donghyuck are still at it.

  _Is our Jeno excited to be back to school?_

_“Yeah, I’m excited to go back… I miss my friends. I kept in touch with most of them, we FaceTime a lot, but now I finally get to really see them, so that’s really cool, guys!”_

_Why are you going back to boarding school now?_  

_“Uh—I’m going back because I finished my school here. You can look at it as if I was studying abroad and my time to go away has come.”_

Donghyuck’s face is resting on his shoulder, _“Of course we’re going to miss our hyungs! It’s been so nice spending time with them, we got so much closer over the years, you know? But the nicest part is that they’re also going back to Korea, at least most of them, so…”_

_“We’ll see them a lot.”_

Jeno lets Donghyuck and Mark do the talking for awhile, although he hadn’t answered a lot of questions, anything related to the boarding school and going back to it makes him feel exhausted.  

_“Will there be a press conference before this season’s release?”_

_“Not really. Mostly we do those during Comic Con or something like that, but as always we’ll do some press related stuff, just not like—the whole cast.”_

_“Because that would be a lot of people. Not even Oprah could handle an interview like that. God… I wish we could go to Oprah.”_  

_Mark laughs historically and Hyuck pushes him, and just like that, Jeno is back to reality._

_“We’ll probably be going to Japan. I think I saw someone mentioning me on Twitter about it.”_  

_“You guys know more about our upcoming shine duke than we do.”_

 

The rest of the VLive goes well and by the end of it Jeno is no longer feeling uneasy. When it’s near 2 am, they finally say goodbye—they have a flight to catch in eight hours, after all. They move their beds so they’re closer together and lie down, falling asleep immediately.

  
  


⌘

  


“Can you believe they talked about us?!” A super excited Chenle backhugs Jaemin as they catch him up. “Jaemin, you should’ve been watching it with us!”

“Yeah, not really. I had better things to do.”

Renjun scoffs, “Like what? Study?” 

“Yeah, Injunnie. Something you should do too.”

He’s pushed by Renjun, although the older is only kidding and proceeds to mess Jaemin’s hair.

“I can’t wait for them to come back. It’s been so long.”

 “We see them every years, though.”

 “Not _all_ of them, Jaemin.”

Jisung should probably not say anything, but it was too late when he noticed—and he regrets it when he sees Jaemin’s face. It’s a sensitive topic and everyone knows it. Not only for Jaemin but Jeno, but it’s hard to let them ignore each other when they’re a whole groups of friends who just want to enjoy a good time together.

“How about we focus on the things we have to study?”

  
  


⌘

  


“When can we go get pizza?”

“Hyuck, we’re literally in the middle of the SAG Awards.”

 “Well, I’m still hungry.”

 “We’ll go after the award, okay?”

“Fine…”  


 

\ \ \

  


“Are you guys excited to go back to school?” David, their director, asks them. “My brother went to boarding school, he really liked it.”

“Yeah, we're pretty excited.” Mark says, smiling and hooking one arm trough Jeno’s shoulders. “But Jeno is the most excited! He left when the show started and didn’t get the chance do come back.”

“Uh, neither did Donghyuck.”

David smiles, eyes going into crescent as he messes Jeno’s hair.

“Enjoy your time there, Jeno. And you too, Mark, since it’s your last year!”

Mark’s cheeks go pink and he glances at Donghyuck, who’s too immerse in the appetizer given to them to notice anything. Jeno wonders if Mark will get his act together before he graduates.

  
  


\ \ \

  
  


“Goodnight, everyone!” Millie Bobby Brown is the one introducing the first category of the night that they’re in, and Donghyuck is trying his best not to lose his shit. “These are the nominees for the _Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Comedy Series_.”

 Fuck. That’s— a big name.

They take a deep breath—although they’ve won two SAG Awards before, for _Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Comedy Series_ for Wendy and _Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor_ for Henry. It still makes them nervous, of course, they always want the TV show to get the recognition it deserves after years of million of viewers per episode. The series is from Netflix and it quickly became famous because of its humor—mainly used to approach important subjects.

“And the award goes to…” Millie _gracefully_ opens the envelope, a smile on her face when she says—“Young&Freaky!”

As everybody cheers, they stand up, although the three of them feel stagnated. Henry smiles brightly and hugs them, leading them to the stage. It’s all a blur and their hearts are beating against their chest—Millie smiles and hugs them while saying _congratulation guys!_ , the awards is passed to Henry, their hyung, and he starts doing his speech. They thank their fans a thousand times and especially David for believing in them, theirs families and the whole crew. Mark says something too and so does Jeno and Donghyuck, but neither of them can remember what.

 

Later when they’re no longer at the event and after crying their eyes out, they call their parents and text their friends. Jeno receives a lot of nice texts from Jisung, Chenle and Renjun—even Yeeun—but when he’s lying on his bed and going through Twitter, he can’t help but wonder if _that someone_ is proud of him… or at least if he still thinks about him.

  


⌘

  


“It’s happening!”

 Jaemin heads an excited Chenle squeak as he walks into the room—only to find all his friends laying around the floor hugging pillows as they stare into the notebook's screen. They’re watching… an award show? Could that be—

“Look! It’s Donghyuck and Jeno! And there’s Mark!”

“Wow… they look so handsome and cool!”

“Come see it with us, Jaemin!”

 “It’s too early in the morning for this.”

Renjun roll his eyes and pushes him down, “You're watching it.”

Although he tries to hide it, Jaemin is curious and dying to know if their show is going to win. It’s his friends, after all. Even… Yeah. Even _that_ person.

“They have to win!”

“Shhhh!” 

“And the award goes to… Young&Freaky!”

They pretty much lose it—they start screaming against their pillows and throwing popcorn around while jumping like crazy. Even Jaemin, although he swears it’s because of Mark and Donghyuck.

“They’re gonna talk! Shhh!”

_“Everyone! Thank you so much for this award, it means a lot to all of us and it wouldn’t be possible without you. Thank you!”_

 “Oh, Mark is really handsome.”

_“Thank you guys! Thank you!”_

He’s not looking, okay? He’s staring somewhere else because he doesn’t want to _see_ — 

_“Thank you guys. It means a lot to me and all of us.”_

Shit.

_“We love you!”_  

“Oh dude, it’s really nice that they all included korean in their speech…”

_Fuck_ . His voice changed a lot… it doesn’t even sound like _him_ anymore. He can’t help but wonder if it’s not only his voice that’s changed but also him as a person. It’s a scary thought. All in all, Jaemin can’t help but be proud of them— _all_ of them. It’s their dream and they worked hard to achieve all the recognition they’re getting, in America and everywhere else.

 

Again, at night before he falls asleep he can’t prevent his thoughts from replaying over and over again the sound of that voice and the memories he kept locked in his mind for years. _Nostalgia is a bitch._ It really is.

  
  


⌘

  


He’s fine when they get to the airport accompanied by Mark, Donghyuck and their managers. When they go to a Starbucks store everything’s fine, while they drink and eat he feels happy and even excited. When they’re going through security and on the waiting room he’s sleepy—maybe taking a nap on Donghyuck’s shoulder—but still fine. So much that he starts thinking that maybe he had just been overreacting and being too dramatic and things will actually go smoothly, although that’s only that wishful thinking that comes in times of dispair. When the place takes off and he falls asleep, he dreams of happy times and replays some happy memories, thinks about how happy his mother was a week before when she was leaving Los Angeles and how proud his father was when they called him after the award show. He thinks about that book he was reading between takes in the set, how his English teacher told him she was proud of everything he accomplished and also about that last moment he had with the cast. He allows himself to be excited over _maybe_ being casted in a korean drama and that _Y &F _got another season. It all distracts him from what’s about to come. He can’t delay it or live in denial forever—all he can do is accept it. It’s happening.

So, when they land in Dubai for a connection, he admits to himself that _no, he’s not fine_ . That’s okay. He doesn’t need to be, right? He’s going to face everything and _everyone_ he left behind to follow his dream. He’s going to go back to his past, in the present, facing a future that scares him. Ugh, he hates being fake deep, but there he is. And it’s the truth. _Damn it._  

He’s not fine when they get into the flight to Seoul. He’s not fine when he falls asleep in Mark’s shoulder. He’s not fine when he’s trying to watch a movie to occupy his mind. He’s going crazy by the third time he wakes up. Donghyuck is nonchalantly playing with his fingers while Mark is still asleep, Jeno’s head still on his shoulder. Although he doesn’t say anything, Donghyuck knows how he’s feeling, so does Mark. Jeez, everyone from their group knows it. Jaemin and Jeno were always a _hot topic_ —Donghyuck’s words.

 

It’s when they land in Seoul that it truly hits him. Their manager tell them they’re going to sleep in a hotel and proceed to go to school the next day, their things will be moved in the middle of the night so when they get there they’re already all set, since they’ll arrive right during classes. Details and more details are given to them but he’s not really listening. He text his parents to make sure they know he’s safe and in Seoul, he also checks Twitter quickly on his private account and finds some _fansites_ pictures of him and the boys in LAX Airport. It makes him distracted for a bit, but not for long. _You need to chill._

  


\ \ \

 

_“Hey, Jeno.”_ Donghyuck whispers while they’re following the director to their class, Mark already left in his. _“It’s going to be okay.”_

_Are you sure?_

He doesn’t really get to say it because the director stops and smiles politely at them as the teacher comes towards the door. He can see some heads turning towards them and hushed whispers, but he keeps looking at the teacher. As they come in, Donghyuck’s hand finds his back, as a sign of _I’m here_ and it actually helps. When they stop in front of the class and he finally looks up, seeing some familiar faces, his heart feels like it’s going to break out of his chest.

 

 

“Hello everyone! A lot of you already know us from when we studied here before, but you you don’t—I’m Donghyuck and this is Jeno. We’re really excited to be a part of the boarding school again, so please treat us well!”

  
  



	2. after all these years

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> __  
> You're still the one I'm after all these years  
>  I never told you,  
> I should've told you  
> I never told you after all these years  
>   
> (all these years, camila cabello)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys!! i forgot to make it clear that there are a lot time skips but generally they’ll be mentioned and if not it’s because it isn’t important to the story. enjoy this short chapter!

  
⌘

  


To say Jaemin had been surprised was an understatement—he had turned into stone, lost all the air inside his lungs and _probably_ choked on his spit the moment the two boys walked into the class. Thankfully, everyone was too excited and curious to pay attention to him, even his _friends_ . As Donghyuck talked for both of them and Jeno looked everywhere _but_ where Jaemin was sitting _(thankfully)_ all the younger could do was… stare. Unlike Jeno, there wasn’t anywhere in the room he was staring besides the blonde boy. _Is that blonde_ ? _Or is it white? Platinum? Fuck, I should ask Mina later…_ He feels Jisung’s eyes on him and then Renjun’s, followed by Chenle and—well, the whole class. Only then he notices that Jeno is walking towards him.

_Please don’t sit next to me, please don’t sit next to me, please don’t sit next to me._

It’s Donghyuck who sits besides him. _Woof._ But his cheerful thoughts don’t stand a chance because Jeno sits two desks before Donghyuck’s. _Oh, Joy._ Sure, it’s not _close_ , but it’s closer than Jaemin would like. But of course, he doesn’t utter a word about it, or anything else, really. He stays mute during the whole class, only allowing himself to look at the board and his desk.

 

Is he being childish? _Maybe_.

Will he stop? _Unlikely_.  

Will things only go downhill from now on? _Yes._

  


⌘  


 

“He hates me _big time_.”

Jeno says it for the nth time, almost failing to dodge the pillow being thrown at him from across the room. Maybe Donghyuck has had enough, and it’s only been a week. Although it definitely doesn’t _feel_ like it, it seems it’s been a whole year, he’s about to give up and lock himself inside his room and just ignore everyone. The whole week has been filled with Jaemin ignoring him, not even glancing at Jeno, nevermind talking to him. Even when they’re all together, they just pretend the other isn't there. Which Jeno _hates_ but he also knows that he had it coming and that he should be thankful it’s not as bad as he thought it would be. Honestly speaking, he thought Jaemin would receive him with a punch to the face. But being ignored hurts just as much, and being a fucking coward and not gathering the guts to reach out for the younger boy is even worse. _Ugh._

 

“Stop mopping, for fuck’s sake. I am _actually_ trying to study here but all I can hear in the back of my mind is you whining like a little bitch.”

Jeno flips his best friend off, throwing the pillow back at him—except he manages to hit Donghyuck’s head. It’s right about in that moment, when Hyuck throws himself on top of him trying to throw punches on his stomach, that Renjun walks into the room and stops right on his tracks for a few seconds. 

“God, I miss not having a roommate.”

Jeno manages to throw Donghyuck at the floor as he watches with amusement as Renjun flops down on his own bed, hugging a _Ryan_ shaped bear.

“Oh c’mon, Renjun. I know you were happy when they paired us together.” 

Renjun shrugs but doesn’t deny it, maybe because the older boy _was_ indeed happy to know he’d share a room with Jeno. And speaking of the devil, suddenly he feels a heavy weight on his bed, making him jump, and then strong arms around him. 

“Will you help us study?”

“Bold of you to assume I know anything.”

“Well, then who’s going to?!”

Renjun looks at him, eyebrows raised. Of course there’s only _one person_ who actually knows what’s going on in class and _of course_ it happens to be the person who doesn’t want to look at his face.

“So I’m gonna fail. _Joy_.”

“Stop being dramatic.” Donghyuck throws a pencil at him. “I’m going to ask for his notes and we’ll study together.”

Jeno’s smile is bright, filled with happiness in knowing he’s not _that_ screwed. He hopes Jaemin has the heart to actually give Donghyuck his notes, otherwise they’re both screwed. They have already taken the exams they missed and he was sure he was about to lose his shit that week, too much information inside his head, and now he’s losing his shit over the fact that he might have sunk the exams. _Fuck_ , being a student is hard. He’d much rather memorize lines and more lines than formulas and random things he won’t use in adulthood. _One more year and I’ll be free_.  
  


⌘

  


“Jaemin, c’mon, give me your notes!”

It’s been around fifteen minutes since Donghyuck found him in the library and haven’t stopped bothering him, so much that Jaemin is indeed about to give him the notes—by shoving it down Hyuck’s throat. He’s got nothing against lending them to him, but the fact that he’s bothering him so much is getting into his nerves. Except, that _maybe_ he just don’t want to give it to him because he will give them to… _Jeno._  

“Hyuck, I said I’m going to think of it.”

“But Jaemin~.” Donghyuck attaches himself to one of his arms, head resting on his shoulder and an annoyingly pout on his mouth. “You know I need them as fast as possible otherwise I’m going to get bad grades.”

“You can just study.”

“Yeah, sure.” He scoffs as if dismissing the idea. “ _Or_ you can just help me out like you help the others.”

“Hyuck—” 

“What?” The boy destatches himself, looking hurt. “Am I not your friend? Is it only for friends who stay?”

Jaemin open and closes his mouth a few times, unable to say anything. He guesses he’s right—now their group of friend is divided by _friends who stayed_ and _friends who left_ —he hates that it makes sense to him. 

“It’s not like that.” 

Hyuck scoffs again, starting to walk away. “Took you long enough to answer.”

  


⌘

  


“Oh, found you.”

Mark’s voice is extremely soft and it makes Donghyuck’s heart hurt a little. He looks up right on time to see the older boy sitting down besides him, under Hyuck’s favorite three, the furthest one.

“Why the pouty face?”

“Jaemin won’t give me his notes.” Mark gives him that look that says _really?_ and Hyuck pushes him. “Look, it’s not stupid, okay? He used to share it with me before I left and now he still does with Renjun, Jisung and Chenle, so why not with me?!”

“I’m sure you’ll convince him.” 

“That’s the problem. I was being dramatic so he would cave in, but then I said something about him only giving it to the friends who stayed and he went completely silent.” 

“Which can only mean he agrees with it?”

“Yeah.”

“ _Ouch._ ”

Hyuck smiles softly, nodding his head as he rests it on Mark’s shoulder. They go quiet for a while, it’s calming and reminds him from years ago and even the free time they’d spend on set between scenes. Somehow he always finds comfort in Mark.

“Things are changed, aren’t they, Mark?” 

With a sigh, Mark nods, letting his head rest against Hyuck’s. There’s not a lot he can say right now, it wasn’t even a question but a statement. Things are different now, _they’re_ different now.

“We’re growing up.”

“True.” Donghyuck nuzzles his head into Mark’s shoulder, the older boy wrapping one arm around him. “I don’t like it.” 

 _Me neither_.  


⌘

  


_Lavender’s blue, dilly, dilly_

_Lavender’s green_

_When you are king, dilly, dilly,_

_I shall be queen_

 

Jeno is quietly playing his ukelele sitting by his room’s bay window. The lights are off and the moon is shining beautifully. Renjun is out with Donghyuck and Chenle, they were too eager to watch a tv show or something, and Jeno was too tired from studying his ass off. After dinner time he ran to their room to take a shower and finally have some time for himself. He texted his parents telling them about the exams and how he’s adapting in the school, and then sat by the window to look outside and play with the instrument. Somehow he always finds himself singing the same lullaby, ever since he was younger. His mother would sing it to him every night before bed or when he couldn’t sleep, it always calmed him down and it still does.

 

Jaemin is walking through one of the corridors to make sure no students are hooking up. He hates this part of his job and thanks the universe they take turns doing it. It’s stupid. He gets that _maybe_ the corridor is not the place to do so but, honestly, there aren’t a lot of places do so in here anyways. He wonders if Renjun is in his room since he haven’t seen him since dinner time, and when he’s getting closer to the boy’s room he hears it—an instrument being played. _Is it coming from Injunnie’s room?_ He knows the melody, too… _Where do I know it from?_ He doesn’t knock, afraid the melody might stop, but he does presses his ear against the wooden door and closes his eyes trying to focus. He can hear some low singing, the voice is not loud but since most people are in the main area and not in the dorms the voice echoes through the door.

 

_Who told you so, dilly, dilly?_

_Who told you so?_

_T’was my own heart, dilly, dilly_

_That told me so_

 

He knows it’s Jeno who’s singing, not only because of his voice but because the older used to sing it to him when they were younger. It’s Jeno’s favorite lullaby. Why is he being such a creep standing in the corridor with his ear glued to Renjun’s door? He doesn’t know. But he can’t stop, it’s been so long since he last heard Jeno singing it. It makes him think about Donghyuck and what he said earlier, and although Jaemin knew he was being dramatic he couldn’t help but be taken back by the words—especially because they make sense to him. He feels like a terrible person. He wonders when he started thinking of the three boys as _the ones who left_ —of course, there was a reason for that, but they’re his friends and friends might leave but they’re still your friends. When did Jaemin let them drift apart? He’s sure Jisung, Renjun and Chenle don’t see them like that, so why? Can it be… because of Jeno? Well, a lot of things in his life seem to be because of the boy.

He needs to fix things with Donghyuck. But for now, he’ll just enjoy the lullaby. He’s too tired to pretend right now.

  


⌘  


 

Another week passed and Donghyuck is still ignoring Jaemin’s existence, it’s not even about being hurt at this point, he’s just being petty. He tells himself he’s got all the right to be, especially when Jaemin hasn’t even given any signs of sorrow. That might also be because Donghyuck won’t spare him a single glance, but he’ll ignore that part. Besides that, they still have a lot on their plate—the non-stop exams are killing the three of them slowly, not even mentioning the ones they’ll be going through in two weeks with the rest of the class. Donghyuck swears he’s going to freak out and break everything very soon—that is, if Jeno doesn’t do it sooner. He can’t blame the guy; he only goes out of his room to go to classes and eat, then he’s back to the cave so he can study more. Renjun says his part of the room is filled with papers, summaries and colorful post-its. Renjun fears his roommate might explode, therefore Donghyuck fears for everyone who’s close to him. Just because he’s used to a worked up Jeno doesn’t mean everyone else is.

“Donghyuck won’t talk to me.”

Jaemin is laying on Renjun’s bed while the boy is sitting at his desk writing something down on his agenda. The younger is staring at the ceiling out of boredom, and Renjun is not helping at all. 

“He’s just being a bitch about it.”

“I know. That’s what makes me even more mad.” 

“That you’re falling for it?”

“Yeah.” He sighs. “And that he was right.”

 “Was he though?”

“Maybe not when it comes to you guys, but when it comes to me…” 

Renjun stops whatever he’s doing and turns around in the chair to face him. He looks like he’s already done with Jaemin’s shit, but still cares enough to listen to all the bullshit.

“Look, you had your reasons, didn’t you?” 

“I guess so. What do you think?”

“I think you’re old enough to figure it out on your own.”

Jaemin gasps. “Bold of you to assume I’m capable of that.”

“C’mon Jaemin—” 

He’s interrupted by a _zombie_ Jeno who walks through the door, not even blinking and throwing himself on his bed. Jaemin looks at Renjun, confused, but the older boy is too busy looking at the passed out Jeno with a worried look. It’s the first time Jaemin actually looks at Jeno’s side of the bedroom, post-it notes spread around next to his desk, and a pile of papers and books. Renjun had mentioned something about Jeno and his unhealthy study habits but Jaemin would never think it’s _that_ serious. 

“Don’t worry about it.” 

Jaemin is about to ask him why he’s whispering but then he notices that Jeno is already fast asleep.

“Is he okay?”

“Yes. I mean, I don’t know…  He’ll be fine. He’s just studying a lot. I don’t think he had a proper night sleep ever since he came from the States.” 

“Wow...”

 

⌘

 

“Hyung, wait outside.”

Jaemin bargers into Donghyuck’s room, a surprised Mark looking up from his spot on the ground. 

“What?” 

“Get. Out.”

He decides that Mark is too slow so he ends up grabbing his arms and pulling the boy up, then proceeds to push him out of the room and locks the door. He stares at Donghyuck, who’s silently watching the whole scene with a judging face.

“What do you want?”

He throws himself on top of Hyuck, burying his face on the boy’s neck. Although he’s stiff in the beginning, Hyuck will never turn down cuddles, so he gives in.

“I’m sorry I made you feel that way.”

“I was joking.”

“Yes, but I know I hurt you.”

“So I was right, then.”

With a sigh, Jaemin sits properly, crossed legs and hugging a teddy bear. He doesn’t look into Donghyuck’s eyes, ashamed.

“Maybe.”

Donghyuck can only nod.

“I get it. We did left.” 

“You did.” He sounds bitter, but he can’t change it because _he is_. “But I hate myself for thinking like that.” 

“Huh. That does makes me feel a bit better.”

Jaemin laughs, reaching for the boy’s hand. “I’m really sorry, okay? I promise you I’ll be a better friend.”

“It’s not that, Jaemin. I get why you’re like that, I know it’s not even about me or Mark, but you can’t let your feelings get in the way of our friendship. Not _our_ friendship, but _our group’s_ friendship.”

“I know, I know. I’m trying.”

“Are you?”

Another sigh—“Not really.”

 _Not at all_ , he thinks to himself. He didn't want to give Donghyuck his notes because he knows he would pass it to Jeno and he didn’t want that to happen. _Why?_ No reason at all. He just felt like being petty.

“C’here.” Hyuck wraps his arms around him, the tight hug almost knocking the air out of him, but he doesn’t mind at all. “Things are different but I hope our friendship won’t change.”

“Me too.”

 

⌘

 

“Renjun?”

Jaemin is going to Renjun’s floor when the boy appears at the top of the stairs, a smile on his face.

“Jaemin! I’m going to Jisung’s room real quick, I forgot my notes there, why don’t you go to my room?”

“Uh, sure.”

He feels uneasy about it. Something just wasn’t right. Or maybe he was just afraid of Jeno being there, but he did promise Donghyuck to try being less grumpy when the boy was around. He could just go on living without strangling the boy with his eyes, right?

Anyways, he finally reaches the room and doesn’t even bother knocking—he’s been here too many times to know it’s better not to, either because Jeno isn’t here or because he’ll be sleeping like a rock. But he’s not sleeping and as Jaemin gets closer to both beds he can hear the shower, so he keeps himself busy by meddling on Jeno’s side of the room. The notes are still on the wall, and he recognizes some words he wrote himself on his summary, he feels somewhat _happy_ knowing the boy is making good use of them.

There’s a smile on his face when he looks at the bed, that’s filled with some teddy bears, but there’s a cute one he remembers giving Jeno in one of his birthdays. It’s the _hamtaro_ one, he bought it because they would always watch the anime together. Feels like a hundred years ago.

“Oh, sorry.” He jumps when he hears the voice out of nowhere, turning around and finding a half naked Jeno. _Oh, shit_. “Sorry.”

Jaemin takes a few seconds to snap out of it and stop _staring and drooling_ over Jeno’s abs, and he pretends he doesn’t notice the blush on the boy’s cheek as he hides his eyes behind his hand. 

“Uh, no—it’s okay, I just—” _Why is the room so hot? Holy fuck._ “Uh, I just got here.”

He hears steps and a drawer opening and closing, then a breathless laughter.

“It’s okay. I forgot my underwear.” Jaemin smiles softly, but he swears it’s because of the awkward atmosphere and not because he finds Jeno endearing. “I’ll just go.”

He hears the door closing and the breath he didn’t notice he was holding.

 

⌘  


He and Renjun are laying around the floor surrounded by papers while Jeno is sitting at his bed, softly playing his guitar. And if Jaemin noticed it’s the same tune since he started, no one will ever know. 

“How come they expect us to come up with something?”

“I know, they expect too much from us.” 

“You two have been crying for the past hour and nothing has been done.”

Renjun throws a kneaded piece of paper at Jeno, hitting the boy’s head. “Hey, we have something.”

“What is it?”

Jaemin looks at his notebook’s screen, reading out loud— _“Something to do with a musical.”_

Jeno scoffs, “Wow, keep up the good work.”

Jaemin flips him off, although he knows he and Renjun are both screwed if they keep this pace. “You’ve got any ideas?”

 “Maybe.”

Jaemin sits down, eyebrows raised high. He meant to look challenging but probably looks desperate.

 “Then why don’t you open your mouth?”

Jeno rolls his eyes and leaves his guitar aside, looking at both of them with a smile on his face. “When I left, theater was still a thing here, right?” 

Renjun nods, “Yeah. The reenacted plays stopped around a year ago. Now _we_ have to come up with something.”

“Hmm. That’s nice.”

It’s Jaemin’s turn to roll his eyes. “Where’s the part where you _actually_ help us?” 

“I was thinking about making a short movie.”

Renjun and Jaemin share a look. He can see the older’s eyes sparkling with the idea, and he doesn’t hate it himself.

“Go on.”

Jeno gladly starts talking and talking and talking—and when they notice there are topics and more topics on Jaemin’s notebook about how it all would turn out. They search for musicals they can show to the class, they write a quick summary that will grab the class’ attention and even come up with a plot.

(And if Jaemin smiles warmly at Jeno when he leaves their room, no one needs to know but them.)

  


⌘

 

The teacher who’s going to help them, Ms. Lee, is _thrilled_ when Jaemin, Renjun and Donghyuck introduce the idea of a short movie. The teacher asks them do download _Mamma Mia, Pitch Perfect_ and _High School Music_ so they can watch during free hours, and asks Yerim, Hyejoo and Mina to help them with the plot and writing the script. There’s the figurine group, the script group, the shooting group and the audio and image group, although Jaemin is sure he’s in all of those. And to him most of it doesn’t even make sense, but he guesses it’s better if they’re in groups so the chances of a mess happening aren’t as high.

“About the songs, we can sing some from musicals and artists, and then maybe even make our own lyrics.”

“I think that’s nice. Also, we should choose the actors.”

“Yeah. But I guess we could finish the plot first so we know what’s going on.”

Hyuck goes towards the board and writes down: 

  * __plot__


  * _actors_


  * _songs_


  * _figurine_



 

“So... where do we start?”

  
  


⌘  


Jeno finds himself in the empty auditorium, up in the stage, playing an old melody on the piano. Whenever he’s stressed, playing instruments help a lot—and he’s been playing _a lot_ lately. Took him a few days to find peace in the auditorium, he wanted to study without people around and started walking through campus, stumbling up with some theater students. He knows the right time to come, after their class finish no one lingers around. It’s great for his studies and even better for his thoughts. Being up in a stage, though, definitely feels like home. He started in one and somehow he always comes back. Not everything needs to change.

 

_Wise men say only fools rush in_

_But I can’t help falling in love with you_

_Shall I stay?_

_Would it be a sin_

_If I can’t help falling in love with you?_

 

Ever since he set foot into the boarding school he wonders if he did the right thing. Wouldn’t it be better if he had stayed in Los Angeles and never came back? It seems to be what Jaemin would think. Jeno has been trying to keep himself away from the boy’s way, he knows Jaemin would rather not have to face him, and he thinks he can give that one to him. He’s been drowning himself in his studies so he won’t have to deal with reality—how he keeps postponing facing Jaemin. _Really_ facing him, _talking_ to him, trying to fix things. Are there even things to be fixed anymore? They still have a chance? Jeno doubts it. But he wishes that, if the friendship is to end, it might as well end on good terms. He really would hate it if Jaemin became a stranger whose laughter he could recognize in a room fool of people.

“Smells like gay angst in here.”

Donghyuck’s voice straddles him but Jeno can only smile as the boy goes up the stair and walks in his direction, making himself comfortable besides Jeno, a bright smile on his face.

“Why are you all alone?”

Jeno shrugs, still playing. He feels Hyuck’s gaze burning his skin, his fingers playing with the keys, his shoulder pushing Jeno’s slightly.

“I feel like I’m watching a _telenovela_ when it comes to you and Jaemin.”

“Oh, shut up.”

“Why don’t you talk to him? It’s _that_ simple. And easier than moping around playing _Can’t Help Falling In Love_ on piano. For fuck’s sake.”

Jeno only gapes at him, there’s nothing he can do whenever Donghyuck starts rambling and honestly—when it comes to him and Jaemin he just never knows what to say.

“Shut up.”

“Jeno.” Donghyuck has to hold both his hands so he’ll stop playing. “I just need you to try, okay? He’s your best friend, isn’t he? Then I’m sure it’s worth for you to push harder.”

“Okay. I will.”

Donghyuck rolls his eyes, “You better, otherwise I’ll have to be the one doing the fixing, as always.”

Jeno smirks, “And we don’t want that, am I right?”

He earns himself a smack on the head.

 

⌘

 

“Yah, Lee Jeno!”

Jaemin watches as Renjun leaves him behind to go after Jeno, clicking his tongue in disbelief. At the opposite side of the hallway, Jeno stops on his tracks and sends Renjun that cute eyesmile of his, excited for the time the will spend together. 

“Injunnie hyung, I didn’t see you, sorry.”

“Oh, that’s okay! Where do you wanna study?” Before Jeno can answer, Renjun dramatically stops walking—“Anywhere _but_ our room.”

Jeno laughs, “How about outside? The fresh air helps me clear my mind.”

“Outside is great.”

 

As they’re sitting in one of the benches, taking turns between the books and random talks, Jeno thinks to himself how much he actually missed being in the boarding school. For so long the school was everything he knew—when they would go home he _knew_ he would come back and meet his friends, he would always be excited wondering about the teachers from the grade he would be in, the new students and the ones he was used to since day one. The friends he made were always the reason for his excitement in going back. When you’re away from your family, you tend to look for comfort in others, and then they become your family too. He’s grateful he learnt that earlier in life, it helped him a lot when he moved.

 _Los Angeles…_ such a big and busy city. Just like in the movies he would watch when he was younger, but although glamorous it can also be just as ugly. The pressure of the nicest tan, the best clothes, the perfect body, the whitest teeth, the most expensive cars and mansions. Empty minds with rotten souls chasing for something they’ll never reach; _perfection._ It can scary sometimes, especially when you’re just a young kid being thrown into that world—people expect you to act like an adult, _be_ like an adult, but you’re not one, and you shouldn’t be one because you’re a freaking kid! He learnt that from the hard way. He spent many nights wishing he could go back home and never look back anymore, but there were so many people depending on him in Los Angeles, and he liked being part of that show, he liked the people in it, the ones who didn’t expect him to be anything other than… a kid. But now he’s back, which is something he wished for a long time, and he doesn’t really know how to feel—or how to fit in. It sucks wishing for something for so long and not knowing what to do, how to feel or if that’s what you really wanted when you finally get it.

  
“Jeno. You there?”

He blinks a few times, his eyes taking a few seconds to focus on Renjun’s face, but once it does Jeno lets out a breathy laughter.

“Sorry, I spaced out a bit.”

“You don’t say!”

“So, _you_ were saying...?”

Renjun rolls his eyes, not even bothering to ask him what he was thinking about—which Jeno is thankful for.

“I asked if you want to help me out in the library this Saturday.”

Jeno doesn’t even remember hearing anything related to _library_ or _helping out_ but he nods, probably looking like a lost puppy.

“Yeah, sure.”

_What could go wrong on a library?_

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a whole mood: jeno playing a cinderella song on his ukelele  
> another mood: lee jeno studying so he doesn’t have to face reality  
> follow me @ [twitter](https://mobile.twitter.com/dearfdream)


	3. everything is shattering and it’s my mistake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am tired of this place,  
> I hope people change  
> I need time to replace  
> what I gave away  
> And my hopes, they are high,  
> I must keep them small  
> Though I try to resist  
> I still want it all  
>  _(fools - troye sivan)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did i review this chapter? unlikely. beware of possible mistakes, nomin being difficult and renjun being over it.

 

⌘

 

**FIVE YEARS AGO;**

_A thunder strikes outside and Jaemin wakes up—he takes his time looking around the room, eyes finally stopping when he finds the older boy._

_“Jeno?”_

_It’s only a whisper but the boy would be able to hear it if he was awake, but he doesn’t answer, so Jaemin gets out of his bed and tiptoes through the wood floor, finally reaching his goal—Jeno’s bed, and he’s sliding under the covers and slightly pushing the passed out boy._

_“Whatareyoudoing?”_

_Jeno mumbles something but it’s too slurred and Jaemin is too sleepy to try to understand it, so he shushes the grumpy boy and hugs him from behind._

_“Thunder.”_

_He thinks Jeno is probably back asleep, but a few minutes pass and he feels a hand around his. He doesn’t say anything, smiling in contentment._

⌘  


**PRESENT TIME;**

He wakes up in the middle of the night, blinking a few times. Chenle is fast asleep, unaware of the rain falling outside. Summer rains… they always make him feel nostalgic for some reason. He gets up quietly, heading downstairs for the kitchen—his mouth is dry and he forgot his water bottle. Once he gets to the kitchen and fills his bottle, he sits down on a chair, looking outside through the windows—it’s calming, almost makes him want to get out there and feel it on his skin, but he contains himself, a lazy smirk on his lips as he lays his head on the table. He swears he’s just going to look outside for a bit longer and then he’ll go back to sleep, but he doesn’t even notice himself drifting off to sleep.

 

 

Inside his room, Jeno feels his phone vibrating somewhere in the mattress, his hand looking for it as he presses his eyes together, not feeling like opening it anytime soon. He doesn’t even look at the screen, he knows it’s 5am of a Friday. He sighs as he finally sits down, eyes still closed and body almost tumbling forward. He scratches his eyes with the heels of his hands, taking a few seconds to finally open them.

_Good morning, I guess._

He gets up and goes straight to the bathroom so he can splash his face with water, then he goes back to the bedroom and eats the natural sandwich he prepared the night before, then back to the bathroom to brush his teeth. It’s almost 5:30am when he puts his headphones on and heads downstairs, reminding himself to go to the kitchen grab a bottle of water. But he stops on his tracks when he notices someone passed out on the table. _Is that…_

 

“Jaemin?”

Headphones off, he hesitantly pokes the boy’s soft cheek, watching him squirm in place, and then he does it again.

“Na Jaemin.” He says next to the boy’s ear, not too close so he won’t invade the boy’s space, but just enough for him to hear it. “I thought you didn’t like the rain.”

The boy lifts his head too fast, hitting Jeno’s chin, which makes the latter laugh but the younger wants to disappear.

“Sorry!” He gets up, almost bowing but stopping himself. “Does it hurt?”

Jeno smiles sweetly at him, moving towards the fridge and grabbing a bottle of water, soon applying it to his chin. “Not really.”

Jaemin lets out a deep breath, “Okay.”

As they stare at each other, Jeno becomes self conscious, no longer used being stared at by Jaemin—although it feels somewhat familiar he can’t help but think he’s being judged rather than appreciated. So he sends Jaemin a soft smile, probably an awkward one, but he still means it.

“You should go back to sleep, I was just on my way for a run.”

Jaemin wonders if he should say something like _do you like running?_ or _how long have you been into running?_ but he can’t, so he settles by saying—“Oh, okay. Bye.”

Jeno bites his bottom lip, nodding his head slowly as Jaemin turns his back at him and makes his way out of the kitchen. He makes sure the boy is away to finally let out a sigh he had been holding, his heart racing inside of him. _Calm down—I’m too young to have a heart attack._  


⌘

It’s a known fact that he likes exercises, most of the times he _enjoys_ them—he found out that going to the gym is a great way of calming himself and shutting off his mind. He also enjoys running, somehow it gives him the false impression of running away from problems and reality. He got used to waking up extra early when he could to go to the gym, but most of the time his hectic shooting schedule wouldn’t allow him to follow a routine, so you’d find him inside his trailer doing push-ups and running in place. Although he enjoyed living in Los Angeles, the city was too busy and it made him anxious. Sometimes he feared going out of home—usually when he had interviews and awards or whenever fans would mob him. _It’s the price of fame_ , one of his colleagues would say—but then again, said colleague lost his way a long time ago.

It’s 6:30am when he comes back to his dorm and heads to the shower. It’s 6:45am when he wakes Renjun up, the boy always ignoring his alarm going off. He literally drags Renjun out of bed and almost carries him to the shower, and when the clock hits 7:00am, they’re leaving their room and heading to the first floor. That’s where they meet their friends and have breakfast. They’re from B1, where most boys are located—from 14 years old up to 19. B2 is for the girls—from 14 up to 19. And B3-4 is for the youngest—from 10 up to 13. They barely interact with each other in the accommodations, only when they’re at the Main Building. All Jeno cares about is that he’s in the same building as his friends.

 

“So there I was, in the middle of Times Square, and then when I look back— _BAM!_ ” Hyuck claps once, making Chenle and Jisung jump in excitement. “There we were! In one of those expensive things up there…”

Mark looks at him with his eyebrows raised, “You mean a billboard?”

“Yeah. _That._ ” Hyuck doesn’t give Mark a chance to tease him, dramatically sighing. “ _Wow man—_ that was epic. I’m really handsome, but geez, on that billboard I was just breathtaking. I’m sure everyone that saw it fell in love with me.”

Jeno is quietly smiling as he watches the younger boys looking at Donghyuck in awe, and the latter couldn’t be more thrilled with all the attention he’s getting. He feels a weight literal on his shoulders, soon realizing it’s a sleepy Renjun—his favorite Renjun, if you ask him. He lets the boy rest his head there, feeding him pieces of bread every now and then. He even slaps Donghyuck when he’s about to shove the older boy.

“Now our Jeno here was a womanizer, you see? Every girl would drool over him and he wouldn’t even blink at them, I mean, _how dare him_ , am I right?!”

Jeno rolls his eyes but lets the boy talk, not caring enough for whatever is being said. It’s true, although much more exaggerated. A lot of girls _and_ boys would drool at him, trying to lure him into hooking up with them, but he turned down most of them. There were nice people, but there were also people who only wanted to kiss and tell. Thankfully, Hyuck starts talking about Mark and how awkward he can be at times, and everyone seems to forget _Jeno, the womanizer_.

 

It’s 8am and they’re inside their respective classes, and if you ask Jeno, Literature was never that boring. Their teacher skipped work and the ones who’s covering for Miss Lee simply doesn’t know what the hell she’s doing—obviously because that’s not her subject. So they were told to write a poem, a _real_ one. The substitute tells them Miss Lee asked them to take the essay seriously and although not everyone did, they all wrote _something_. But since Jeno actually enjoys the class and Miss Lee, he gives his all to write a nice poem. That is, until Donghyuck brings their table together.

“Hyuck. What are you doing?”

“Sitting next to you, dumbass.”

“I can _see_ that. Why?”

Donghyuck rolls his eyes and pouts, crossing his arms. “I’m bored.”

“And I’m trying to do the essay.”

“Seems like you’re the only one.”

Jeno looks around—his classmates are all talking to each other in low whispers or sleeping, while the substitute teacher is doing who knows what outside their class. When he looks at the back of the class, though, he can see Jaemin writing.

“Jaemin is.” His voice is lower than a whisper now, not daring to let the younger hear him. “So I’m not the only one.”

“You’re _boring_ . Both of you.” He turns around on the chair, throwing a piece of paper at the boy, who looks up at them, confused. ‘ _What?’_ —he mouths. “ _You’re boring.”_ —Hyuck mouths back.

“ _Fuck you.”_

Jeno laughs as Donghyuck flips the boy off and turns around again, full attention back at Jeno.

“Please…” He clings to Jeno, full pouting action on display. “I need attention.”

“Don’t you have Mark for that?”

“Uh, are you seeing him here?”

“Shut up.”

“Ugh. You’re such a no jam person.”

“I thought you hated the _no jam_ term.”

“I do. But you’re _that_ no jam.”

Jeno smiles, wrapping one arm around him and giving him the strongest hug, Hyuck’s soft cheek pressed against his neck. He hears the boy grunting and giggling.

“Wanna watch anime together later?”

Hyuck beams at him, “Please.”

⌘

There’s something different in the air—although Jeno is sure he’s the only one sensing it. Maybe he’s biased, he’s been feeling uneasy about the boarding school even before coming here, but maybe something’s _really_ different. He’s laying on his bed, cuddled with Donghyuck and watching _Free!_ while ignoring the world outside. Renjun is somewhere in the library working his ass off and _Mark is somewhere doing something with someone and whatever is, I don’t care about it_ —Hyuck’s words, not his. He doesn’t bother asking, Donghyuck would tell him if he was ready, so he lets the boy cling to him as much as he wants—and it’s not like Jeno hates being cuddled, it’s actually the opposite.

It’s after dinner time that Hyuck goes back to his room with Mark, and they seem to be fine—Mark _did_ kept side-hugging Hyuck and playing with the boy’s hand, so of course Donghyuck cave in. Jeno thinks they’re cute. Jeno also thinks they should get it together and just make out.

Renjun is waiting for him at the stairs, a soft smile on his lips as they go to their room while having small talk about their day and the older reminds him that he promised to help at the library Saturday, to which Jeno only sighs because ‘ _I never break promises’_. He doesn’t really mind helping Renjun out to be honest, the library is a nice place to be and they have a cat there, so that’s a win for Jeno.

 

“Jeno?”

They’re already in bed, Jeno almost falling asleep and Renjun’s voice being nothing but a faint whisper.

“Yeah?”

“Do you mind if Jaemin help us out tomorrow?”

_Yes._

“I don’t.”

“Are you sure?”

_Not really._

“Sure.”

 

⌘

Jeno enjoys the library, he likes studying in there sometimes or just hanging out reading books, mostly when he wants to think and be away from the dorms. He enjoys it even more during the weekend since not a lot of people hang out in there. And being with Renjun is nice too, even inside a room surrounded by high bookcases. It’s _probably_ a good thing he’s not claustrophobic.

All they have to do is organize the room—it’s new and the books and files aren’t in the right order. Jeno doesn’t know the need for the room, though, because outside of it there’s a whole library and so many books already—so why add even more?

“This room is mostly for storage.” Says Renjun while opening another box. “I snooped through some boxes and there’s books and files that could be used for studying, but as extra information. They’re not as sugar coated as the ones from the library.”

“So, if you’re desperate for grades and want to fill blank pages with difficult words, you come here.”

“Yeap, that’s it.”

 

Jaemin was late when he finally arrived, since it’s Saturday and as a class president he needs to talk with the supervisors and yada-yada. Jaemin works hard, Jeno will give him that. As expected, they don’t really talk to each other much, just if needed. But Renjun seems to be making it his mission to make they talk with each other, suddenly needing to get out of the room or working on the furthest corner. Jeno only rolls his eyes and keeps doing his work, singing along to random songs, voice nothing but a whisper to himself. They stay like that for around an hour, actually getting work done, but of course it was too good to be true.

“Hey guys, I’m gonna grab some files the principal left at the office. I’ll be right back.”

“Okay.”

 

⌘

 

Jaemin hates silence. He’s a talkative person for a reason—he hates the awkwardness of it, the way it makes him think and face reality, how he’s left with his thoughts, how it’s almost numbing. They’ve been working quietly for the past 20 minutes, so quiet they can hear each other’s breaths, and it’s making Jaemin go crazy. He doesn’t wanna talk to Jeno, he only does when their friends are around and if it’s _really_ necessary. Right now, it isn’t, so he stays quiet but so does Jeno. It’s driving he mad. Years ago Jeno would do anything to make Jaemin talk to him. _Years ago,_ he reminds himself.

_Where the fuck is Renjun when you need him?_

“Hey, why don’t you pile those here?” Jaemin turns around, Jeno pointing at a shelve—“It’ll save some space.”

“I think it’s good here.”

 _Actually_ , Jeno is right, but Jaemin is dumb and petty, so obviously he’ll act like it.

“I’m just saying—”

Jaemin rolls his eyes, feeling angry for no reason. “Ugh, Jeno, I get it, okay? But I’ll do it my way.”

The boy stares at him with a poker face, Jaemin is not looking at him but he can _feel_ it. His mind is going _STUPID ALERT_ and he feels like taking it back because he knows how stupid and unnecessary and random that was, but he’s too long gone now.

“Sorry—”

“It doesn’t matter.”

_It does._

“I was just trying to help…”

_I know. I’m the stupid one. Sorry._

“Yeah, well, the one who needs your help is not here anymore, so…”

He hears a soft _thud_ and turns around, only to see Jeno walking out of the room. He sighs. _Way to go, stupid._

 

⌘

 

**jeno:**

_doyoung hyung_

_are you there?_

**doyoung:**

_hey jeno!!!_

_how are you?_

_how’s school?!_

 

**jeno:**

_actually_

_that’s what i want to talk about_

_school could be better_

 

**doyoung:**

_why do you say that?_

_what’s wrong?_

**jeno:**

_idk_

_it’s just jaemin_

_we were able to ignore each other_

_but he still hates me_

_and there’s a lot he’s not saying_

_it would be better if he yelled it all out_

 

**doyoung:**

_maybe give him some time?_

_i know_

_sounds like a terrible advice_

_but he seems to be holding a lot back_

_eventually he’ll have to let it out_

**jeno:**

_yeah_

_probably at me_

_like he just did_

**doyoung:**

_hey_

_promise hyung something_

**jeno:**

_what?_

 

**doyoung:**

_don’t let jaemin’s petty little ass drag u down_

 

**jeno:**

_..._

_lol_

**doyoung:**

_i’m serious jeno_

_ur there because u like the school_

_and u missed ur friends_

_last year is ur last_

_and maybe you won’t even attend school_

**jeno:**

_is that a promise?_

 

**doyoung:**

_i’m gonna beat ur ass_

 

⌘

 

Jaemin knew he fucked up, and there wasn’t even a reason for him to do so, he could have just piled the books at the right place or _politely_ told Jeno he’d rather be dumb and do it his way. Now, the look on Renjun’s face when he came back only to find Jaemin standing there with a poker face going through his dumb actions inside his head was priceless—with that he means Renjun almost choked him once he told him what happened. He knew he deserved whatever he’d be getting, but he didn’t expect all of his friends to just throw on his face how dumb he is. _Where’s the brohood, guys?!_ But of course, he knew he deserved it and that neither one of them could take more of _Jaemin and Jeno’s Drama_ —more so _Jaemin’s Petty Ass_ , but that’s coming from Donghyuck so Jaemin ignores it.

 

“Oh, look who’s here.” Chenle closes the door behind him, a sympathetic smile on his lips. “ _Petty Nana_.”

“For fuck’s sake, will you let it slide?! I spoke the truth, didn’t I? Renjun was the one who needed his help and he wasn’t in the room, so joke’s on—”

“ _You._ ” Chenle throws himself on top of Jaemin, the older trying to ignore him. “You should think about it.”

“I did.”

_He didn’t._

“You didn’t, but you _should_.” As soon as Jaemin hugs Chenle back, the younger speaks again—“Just because you don’t want him here doesn’t mean we don’t.”

_I do want him here… maybe..._

“I know.”

“Doesn’t look like it. We’re scared he’s going to get out of school.”

“He won’t. It’s _Jeno_ , c’mon, he’ll stay even if it’s out of spite.”

“I hope so Jaemin, because if he leaves then it will really be the end of _Jaemin and Jeno_.”

“What do you mean?”

Chenle shrugs, not saying anything for a long time, and Jaemin hates it because he’s forced to be left with his thoughts and his mind is against him, making him think about the past five years and the past few weeks.

_The end of Jaemin and Jeno._

“Didn’t it end already?”

Fuck. He wasn’t meant to say that out loud. _Fuck._ Chenle sits down and looks at him with his _really?_ stare, making Jaemin feel like hiding.

“If you really think that, Jaemin, then you’re a lost cause.”

They quietly go back to cuddling.  


⌘

**FOUR YEARS AGO;**

_“Jaemin! You came!”_

_Jeno’s smile is rivalring the sun in that moment, making Jaemin feel warm. It’s springtime and the weather is lovely, but in Jaemin’s eyes everything is grey._

_Jeno is leaving._

_Said boy wraps his arms around Jaemin, engulfing him on a tight hug, but the younger wouldn’t dare to complain._

_“I thought I wasn’t going to see you before I left.”_

_“I wouldn’t miss it.”_

_The hug gets tighter, Jaemin clinging to Jeno as if he would vanish into thin air any minute. It was almost that._

_“Will you miss me though?”_

_Jaemin takes a deep breath and nods, and unable to speak he lets out a soft ‘yes’, a knot forming on his throat and his eyes burning with tears. Jeno kisses his cheek, taking his time. It only makes the younger cry even more. Jeno breaks the hug and stares at Jaemin, both of them with tears filled eyes, and then when Jeno lets go of his hands, something is inside of it. A bracelet._

_“Don’t forget me, Lee Jeno.”_

_Jeno chuckles, more tears leaving his eyes, as Jaemin puts both hands on the boy’s shoulders and goes forward to kiss his cheek. Jeno inhales his sweet scent again._

_“You’re my best friend, Na Jaemin.”_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anygays, BUY WE GO UP!!! ladies and gems (*^ω^*)


	4. just pass me by

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“If you're saying hi_  
>  Because you feel sorry  
> Don't worry 'bout  
> hurting my feelings  
> Just pass me by”  
>  _(just - zion.t ft crush)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, please ignore any mistakes! also beware: complete chaos, dramatic and lost teenagers and no one knowing what’s going on. jeno finds himself.

 

⌘  
  


Donghyuck is resting against the lockers, arms crossed and eyebrows furrowed as he watches the scene in front of him: Mark giggling at something a cute girl from his class is saying. _Mina_. Donghyuck rolls his eyes and scoffs, he hates how pretty her orange hair is, not to mention her face, and she’s a nice singer too. He’s trying to imply that if they were to fight for Mark’s attention, they’re pretty much on the same level. Not that _No Homo Mark_ would ever look his way or giggle like that for him. Life is unfair. Why do girls get to be so pretty and lovely and awesome? And why do straight people even exist? Oh, and while they’re at it, why is Mark straight?

“Hey Donghyuck!”

_Pretty Mina_ smiles at him when as she walks past him and he waves at her. He waits for Mark to reach him, a cute smile on his face.

“She’s from your class?” Mark nods. “She’s friends with Jaemin.”

“Every girl in this school is.”

“True.”

They walk in comfortable silence for a while, it’s time for them to go somewhere in the garden, probably under a tree to rest and eat some fruits. Donghyuck assumes that’s their _thing_ at school—but he’s not complaining. And although he’s a talkative person, he doesn’t feel like talking right now. He can’t help but think about pretty orange hair, Mark’s giggles and how life’s unfair. They’ve been friends for years and he’s still not sure when this _crush_ started—it just happened: one day everything had changed, but only for him, and he was okay with that for so long, so why does it feel as if it’s not like that anymore?  


“Hyuck?”

“Sorry.” He stares at Mark for a few seconds and then proceeds to eat a piece of apple and banana like nothing happened. “Sorry. I was thinking about Jeno.”

Mark smiles softly, “Is he okay?”

“He is. He talked to Doyoung hyung.”

“Oh, I miss that hyung.” Mark sighs and lays down, watching the tree’s leaves swing with the wind. “Who knew coming back would be so chaotic?”

Donghyuck lies down too, head turned towards Mark so he can stare at the boy’s soft features. He feels like caressing his cheeks, but he knows Mark would swap his hand away, and even though he knows the boy would only do so to be annoying, he doesn’t feel like feeling rejected right now. He does gets closer though, forehead touching Mark’s arm, feeling a hand rest above the side of his thigh. It’s warm and enough.  
  


⌘  
  


Jeno is helping Chenle stretch so they can run, the PE teacher giving out orders to some football players and some students wandering around pretending to do something. Jeno’s really into track, it’s probably the only thing he does during PE, besides basketball.

“You ready, Lele?”

“Bring it on.”

Chenle is fast enough to keep up with Jeno, although the older is always a bit ahead of him. He enjoys having Chenle with him and it brings them back to when they became friends—during one of the PE classes where everyone should run around the field and they were the fastest ones.

“You’re slow today!”

He laughs at the remark, fastening his pace, “You’re slower!”

 

Once they finish the first round they come to a stop so they can drink water and let their body rest. Jeno’s chest is going up and down like crazy, his lungs welcoming the proper air they’re getting.

“Damn, my body is still out of shape.”

Chenle is leaning his weight on his knees, taking deep breaths through his nose and letting it out through his mouth.

“Told you—you shouldn’t have stopped.”

Chenle lightly hits his shoulder, “Hey! I stopped for like… a month or something.”

“Or something.”

The younger laughs and flips him off, throwing water from his bottle at Jeno’s chest—which was distracting, if you ask him. But then they’re running again and Chenle is laughing from adrenaline while trying to keep up with the older boy. When running with Jeno, there’s only one rule: _forget winning, just keep up with him._

With his lungs burning, they finally reach the line and stop again. He’s thankful Jeno chose to have pity on him and not cancel the stops like they do sometimes. He’s focusing on his breathing when a hand touches his shoulder, he’s pretty sure it’s Jeno but once he opens his eyes the older boy is staring at the ground and looking like he’s going back to—

“Jeno! Why are you running?! Oh, did I just mention a Vine—”

“Hey.”

Having forgot the person next to him, Chenle lets out a dramatic scream, only to find Na Jaemin rolling his eyes. “Really?”

“Let me be.” He mumbles, dripping the water at his face while Jaemin stands there awkwardly, trying hard not to stare at Jeno who’s running his life out. “What? Came here to drool over Barry Allen’s son?”

“What?”

“ _Jeno_.”

“Shut up. I’m here to talk to you about the film project.”

Chenle looks for Jeno so he can see where the boy is and approximately how long will it take him to arrive at the finish line. “You have until Jeno gets here.”

  


⌘

 

Doyoung had e-mailed him talking about a drama people seem to be interested in, it’s for one of the most popular channels in South Korea and it will also stream on Netflix—which he’s used by now, since Young&Freaky is an original from there. He’s excited, he truly is, and the best part is that they’ll only start shooting next year, that means he won’t have to put school on hold or turn down the role. But he still needs to audition and he’s excited for that, it’s been so long since he starred on a korean drama.  

It’s around a week after the last time they texted (about Jaemin, during that unfortunate day) that Doyoung finally texts him again, but this time about the audition— _Saturday, 6pm_. Jeno sighed when he read that text, already feeling anxious. He missed that feeling he’d get before an audition, how his heart would beat faster and palms sweat and his mind go red alert. But thoughts of _what if I screw up_ or _what if I stutter to much?_ and _what if they don’t like me?_ take over his mind and don’t leave him alone at night. He won’t be able to sleep until Saturday and then he’ll look like a zombie and scare his chances of getting the role. Great. Will his role in Y &F be the only role he’s remembered for? Would everything and everyone he left behind to follow his dreams he in vain? He can’t screw things for himself—not work related at least.  


Something hits his head—a pillow.

“What are you overthinking about?”

“Nothing.”

Renjun sits on his own bed, staring Jeno attently.

“Is it about Jaemin?”

“Not really.” He’s made a point of ignoring Jaemin completely, since that’s obviously what the younger wants and it’s something he’s okay complying. But Renjun doesn’t seem to believe. “I mean it, Injunnie.”

“Okay—then what is it about?”

He sighs, “Doyoung booked an audition for me.”

“That’s great! Isn’t it?”

“It is! I’m really excited and anxious.”

“Then that’s the problem.” He nods. “Well… you shouldn’t worry about that.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s something you have no control over. You can go there and do your best, which I know you will, but that’s about it. So… don’t worry about what comes after.

He gives Renjun one of his eyesmiles, thankful for the words. He’s right—he shouldn’t worry about it, last time he didn’t he got himself a role that changed his life. And if he doesn’t get this one, then he supposed that’s okay, too. He’ll live.

“Now—” Renjun wiggles his eyebrows. “About Jaemin…”

He throws Renjun’s pillow back at him.  
  


⌘  


 

Jaemin is a man on a mission: he needs to make peace with Renjun again so his conscience will let him sleep. The boy has been ignoring him since the Library Incident, that happened a long week a ago. He’s been tossing around in bed, unable to sleep and thoughts running miles and miles—he blames it on Renjun and his tiny petty ass for ignoring him for so long. So he planned something on his own—mostly because Chenle and Jisung also chose to ignore him when it came to this—and decided to wait for the boy near their building on a Saturday at 6:25am. _Why not, right?_ Renjun is always helping out around school, mostly the library, and Jaemin is always at the Principal’s office for the Class Presidents Meeting, although Renjun goes earlier than him, they always come back together. He’s so lost in thoughts that he almost loses track of his plan and the boy finally walking outside. He lets Renjun pass by him and remains still, not even breathing, and then—

 

“HUANG RENJUN!”

He jumps on Renjun’s back, the latter losing balance and falling face down on the ground.

“For fucks sake Jaemin—” Although it’s muffled, he can still hear all the threats leaving the older boy’s mouth, and he quietly lets him. Then, Renjun turns around, now his back on the ground while Jaemin is thrown besides him. “What is going on with you?!”

“You won’t talk to me!”

“I’ve been talking to you!”

“No, you haven’t. That’s not talking, that’s coming up with plans for the film festival. We’re like work colleagues this past week.”

“Work colleagues get paid to see each other’s faces, so I don’t see the bright side here!”

Jaemin hits the boy’s shoulder, “Talk to me!”

Renjun rolls his eyes and sits down, sighing.

“Look—I didn’t mean to put you aside, okay? It’s just—Geez, I don’t know.”

“You took Jeno’s side.”

“That’s not it—”

“Yes it is.” Jaemin shrugs. “It’s okay. We’re a big group of friends and siding with someone is not wrong. It’s just—we’re all friends.”

“You should listen to yourself, then.”

“What do you mean?”

Renjun gapes at him for a few seconds, wondering if Jaemin is truly this dense or if he’s just playing dumb. They’re still sitting at the ground and Renjun will run late, but he still takes his time.

“We’re a group of friends, right?” Nod. “And we’re all friends… all of us.”

“Yeah.”

“Then shouldn’t you be treating Jeno as one of us?You don’t seem to have a problem when it comes to Donghyuck and Mark.”

“You lost me there.”

It’s Renjun’s time to hit Jaemin—“Stop playing dumb!”

“I’m not! It’s just not that easy.”

“Of course it is Jaemin, as long as you want it to.”

Jaemin sighs, he’s tired and unable to think. All he wanted to do was make Renjun face him, not get into a therapy session while sitting on grass.

“I was friends with Donghyuck and Mark since back then, but Jeno wasn’t just a friend… he was always— _something more._ ”

“And then he left?”

“Yeah, but that’s not it. I was okay with him leaving and following his dreams, I wouldn’t hold that against Jeno or anyone.” A soft and sad smile appears on his face, and Renjun feels like hugging him, but settles for holding his hand. “Do you remember that spring?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s when it changed.”

Renjun stays quiet, his mind taking him back to _that spring_ , the memories from those few weeks are still so vivid it looks like they’re from a month ago, not two years and a half. He gets it now, but if Jaemin knew what Renjun does, maybe he wouldn’t act this way.

“I’m sorry you feel that way Jaemin, but I won’t change my mind.” Renjun gets up and stands his arms at him, smiling when Jaemin accepts the help. “That’s why you should talk to him.”

“Maybe I will. But not today.”

“Whenever you’re ready. And you’re lucky—he’s not here today.”

Jaemin, who was going towards the library with Renjun, stops walking. “Where is he?!”

“He said he had some things to do, he’ll be back tonight.”

Jaemin won’t say it out loud, but for a second there he really though Jeno had left.

 

 

⌘

  


“Holy shit hyung, I can’t believe I’m out of school.” He sighs, sitting on the bed and stretching. “Longest month of my life.”

Doyoung laughs, endeared, throwing Jeno a t-shirt. “How about you get ready so we can have breakfast?”

“What time is the audition?”

“Later. I managed to book a private one. They really want you, they had the auditions to all the characters except the one they want you to try for.”

“Wow… They want me that bad?”

Doyoung looks at him with disbelief in his eyes, “Jeno, have you seen your acting? It just gets better! You’ve done some great movies recently, your name is starting to be everywhere and that Boss pilot is being hyped as one of Netflix’s most expected originals!”

Jeno smiles at him, shyly—“Are you being paid to hype me?”

“Boy, you know I do it for free.”

It’s true, and Jeno loves his Doyoung hyung more than anything.  
  
  


He missed walking around Seoul. He needs to put a mask and cap on, but it still feels familiar in a way. He remembers walking around with Jaemin and their friends during their free time from school, how they’d go to arcades and stores downtown, only to exhaust themselves and lose their voice on noraebangs. Easier times. They walk into the cafe Doyoung wanted to take him—it’s really nice and cozy, the smell of coffee and delicious food surrounding the place. Jeno feels happy like he haven’t in a few weeks.

“It’s nice being here.” He admits quietly. “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed.”

“Seems like a constant. Have you been talking to your therapist?”

“Uh, not really. The last meeting was two weeks before I left Los Angeles.”

“You should hit her up, I’m sure she’d be thrilled.”

“Yeah, I will. I really miss talking to her… she helped me a lot.”

When he was feeling confused and overwhelmed by Los Angele’s lifestyle, he asked Doyoung to help him find someone to talk to—he found a Korean lady, saying it would be better for him speak on his mother language. She resides in New York though, and their meetings are always through FaceTime, only a few times Jeno went to her office in NYC—but he’s thankful for her in so many ways, she’d traveled to L.A. to meet him he couldn’t go there and was always at phone’s reach. She kept him sane.

“But how are you? Honestly.”

Jeno keeps himself busy with a napkin, unable to look at Doyoung’s eyes—“I’m fine. Really, I am. It’s just confusing at times.”

“Do you want to stay there?”

“Yeah. I actually missed it. Besides, it’s our last chance to be there together, since Mark is graduating this year and me, Renjun, Jaemin and Donghyuck are the next ones.”

The truth goes unsaid—the reason he takes all of Jaemin’s punches and the maddening silence, the unspoken words that hurt him more than they would if Jaemin screamed them at him, the fear of losing their friendship once and for all; it’s their last chance of being them, that group of friends from years ago. Things are changed and so much have happened and they’ve grown up like crazy, but they’re still the seven boys from before. And Jeno is willing to remind them of it, to remind Jaemin, before Mark leaves and they’re no longer seven— _physically._

  


The rest of the day is nice. He and Doyoung walked around some stores and bought some clothes, then had more food, and then ended up in the hotel waiting for the audition. Doyoung made everything he could to keep Jeno relaxed and get him to enjoy his free time from school, and Jeno can never put into words how thankful he is for his hyung. When the time comes Doyoung drives them to the place, and Jeno can already feel the adrenaline through his veins—but he’s not nervous, he’s excited, ecstatic. And when he enters the room and starts reciting his lines, he’s not there anymore, he’s in the another universe, he’s feeling the emotions the character is feeling, he’s giving his all and it feels so easy, so natural to him, like walking home or singing the words to his favorite songs, and when he’s done he knows he’s got the role and he thrives from the look in those people’s eyes and the smile on the director’s face. He takes a deep breath and it’s filled with relief and something more, like a weight being pushed out of his body, and he smiles while bowing. He _truly_ smiles.

 

“I got this role.”

It’s the first thing he says after closing the door from the auditioning room, and the proud smile on Doyoung’s face makes him giggle as the older guy holds him into his arms and spins them around. He’s laughing out of relief and from the feeling of being enough, of being capable of doing what he thought he couldn’t and proving himself wrong. No one doubted him, but he did and that was worse than having the whole world against him. But that’s past. He proved to himself that he can do anything as long as he believes in himself—and he swears he never thought he’d get to feel that in his life, but there he is, experiencing that moment from something so simple as an audition.  


 

It’s late at night and Doyoung took him to the Han River so they could relax and feel the blissful moment.

“It’s been a long time since I felt like that, you know? I really don’t want this feeling to vanish, hyung.”

“It doesn’t have to. I think that was the sign you needed.”

“Mmm. Perhaps it was.”

Doyoung bumps their shoulders, a low laughter leaving his lips, “ _That’s_ my Jeno—the one that left that auditioning room and who’s sitting besides me. That’s you.”

“I can’t remember last time I felt like myself. You know, I was actually scared to try for this role because I made a promise I would enjoy these two years I have left and use it to find myself.”

“You can still do it.”

“Yeah, I’m starting to feel like I can. Of course, I’ll have to go back to L. A. eventually but knowing that I’ll get to be here because of the drama makes me relieved.”

“That place can definitely get overwhelming.”

“You have no idea.”

Jeno is at ease, phone turned off and mind like a blank page. It’s been so long since he felt this way, no worries in mind, no regrets eating him from inside. The night breeze is soothing and he feels warm, but he blames it on the cup of wine Doyoung gave him— _‘Don’t get used to it, you’re still a baby in my eyes’._ He needs to go back, but he also needs to put his thoughts in order and sort everything out, and he knows it’s a bit tricky—still, he’s sure it’s what he needs to do.

 

“Hyung?” Dooyoung hums. His voice is only a whisper, but it’s still firm, and he really means it when he says—“I don’t want to go back to school just yet.”

When Doyoung takes his time to answer, Jeno knows he’s thinking about it, and if he says ‘no’ then Jeno will go back to school tomorrow morning. But when Doyoung puts his hand on his shoulder, Jeno already knows the answer.

“Okay.”

  


⌘

  


“YOU WHAT?!”

Mark wishes he didn’t, but Donghyuck literally screamed when Jeno gave them the news—he’s going to stay with his family for a few days. Hyuck’s pitched scream echoes through their room and Mark prays everyone is outside.

“But why? And how did you manage that?”

_“I asked Doyoung hyung and he said it was fine.”_

“Well then just wait—I’ll call my manager and tell them I need to get out of school and beat your ass!”

_“Don’t overreact.”_

“What?” Mark rolls his eyes and gives up trying to contain his best friend. “You’ll see what’s overreacting once you get here and I slap you so hard in the face your head’s gonna turn around and—”

“Damn Hyuck, calm down.” Again, Mark tries being the voice of the reason for once, truly trying to understand Jeno. “He’s got his reasons, right Jeno?”

_“Yeah Hyuck, I just need to clear my mind a bit. I promise you I’ll be back before next Sunday.”_

“But… what about the movie project?”

“It’s actually a play and we’re going against the rules—”

“Mark I swear—”

_“Ay, back at me, please?”_

“Sorry.”

_“Anyways—you guys can keep me updated, right? And if you need me to do anything I’m only a text or FaceTime call away.”_

“You better. If I call you and you don’t answer me, I swear—”

_“Can you stop?”_

Donghyuck sighs, shoulders down and a pout forming on his lips. Not that he’s staring or anything.

Mark coughs, regaining consciousness, “What about the classes you’re going to miss?”

_“The principal told Doyoung that the Class President would e-mail them to me, but…”_

“It’s Jaemin.” Donghyuck and Mark say together.

_“Yeah. I figured he wouldn’t want to e-mail me his notes and everything, so I’ll ask Renjun tonight.”_

“Yeah, good luck having this talk with him.”

Jeno sighs as his hands go through his hair. Mark can practically touch his frustration and he feels bad. _“I think he’ll understand… maybe not at first but neither did you.”_

“Yeah. Or maybe when you come back he will join me and beat the hell out of you.”

Jeno laughs, really laughs, and it makes Mark soft. _“That’s okay too.”_

“But changing the subject, you seem a lot happier. How was the audition?”

_“Honestly? I think I nailed it hyung.”_

“Of course you did! You’re my best friend and I’m not friends with just anyone!”

_“Oh shut up.”_

“You’ll be back right? You promise?”

“I promise, Hyuckie.”

Mark smiles, his arm around Donghyuck’s shoulder so he can rest his chin there.

“Then we’ll wait.”

  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: no idea of what’s going on  
> also me: ╰(*´︶`*)╯  
>   
> [twitter](https://mobile.twitter.com/dearfdream)


	5. no band-aids for the growing pains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _And I guess the bad_  
>  can get better  
>  _Gotta be wrong before it's right_  
>  _Every happy phrase_  
>  _engraved in my mind_  
>  _But still the growing pains,_  
>  growing pains,  
>  _They're keeping me up at night_  
>  **(growing pains - alessia cara)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please ignore if there’s any mistakes i have suffered enough trying to update this (o_o) ao3 finally allowed me to post so enjoy!!!

 

 

⌘

 

 

Donghyuck is a supportive friend. It’s one of his best traits, if you ask him. So when Jeno asks him to act like it’s nothing out of the ordinary— _‘because it really isn’t, okay?’_ —all he can do is comply. Truth is, he’d jump off a cliff if Jeno or Mark asked him to, since they’ve been through so much together. So he interrupts Jaemin during one of his boring speeches about something just as boring to give a really important announcement before their first period on Monday. 

 

“ _Alright alrighty_ , let Handsome Haechan do an important announcement that class will much rather hear than your usual boring ass _Class President Bullshit_.”

“Hey!”

As he pushes Jaemin aside, he looks at him with his eyebrows raised high.

“Ay Jaeminnie, it’s impolite to interrupt people making important announcements.” At that, Jaemin completely gives up and rests against Renjun’s desk. “Okay, listen up kids ‘cuz I ain’t repeating myself.”

He waits for everyone’s attention to be on him and _only_ him and then clears his throat. No, he’s got no idea what he’s going to say. And yes, he did ask for Mark’s help but yes, he will ignore everything the boy said. It’s _really_ not a big deal coming to think of it, but judging by the fact that their school is filled with people that really like their work, Donghyuck is sure Jeno’s fangirls and fanboys will make it way more dramatic. Donghyuck included.

“So, _Jeno Boy_ won’t be attending class.” Some people boo him and he lets them, impatiently nodding his head. “Yeah, I hope if I ever stop attending school you’ll act the same way.”

 Jisung rolls his eyes from the back of the class, “How about you stick to the announcement?”

“First, shut the fuck up and respect your elders. And second, I will do just that.” He cleans his throat again. “ _Anyways_. Don’t worry, it won’t spoil the film project, whatever he needs to do you tell me or Renjun and we’ll let him know.”

There’s a series of _awww, i hope he comes back soon_ and _he’s so nice i hope it’s nothing serious_ and then there’s Renjun still looking pissed, Chenle and Jisung looking uninterested because they already cried out at Jeno over the phone and then there’s Jaemin, arms crossed and eyes glued to the floor, and he looks unhappy. Well, that sure makes Donghyuck smile—not that he wants to see Jaemin unhappy but he sure as hell wants him to feel his sassy attitude backfiring. But Donghyuck can’t keep it up for that long, he knows Jaemin cares about Jeno and will freak out until he comes back. Ugh, he hates feeling conflicted but he loves the _Jeno and Jaemin Drama Series_. 

“Thank you very much for the attention. Na Jaemin, you’re up. C’mon.”

He switches places with Jaemin, resting against Renjun’s desk as he watches the other boy ask for the classes’ attention. 

“So, as I was saying before being rudely interrupted…” If looks could kill then Donghyuck would be _dead_. “I was talking with the Study Council and we’ll have to convince the other classes to join us for the Film Project. They said we can’t diverge from the topic since it’s not an open one, but as long as the other classes agree on doing it, we have a free card.”

 “What if they don’t?”

“Then we’ll play Broadway.”

_“Booo-hooo.”_  

“Donghyuck I am _this close_ to—”

“Okay! Sorry. Geez.”

“ _Anyway_. I can talk with other Class Presidents, but we’ll have to take charge. Yeri said she’ll talk with the Seniors and Mark will help convincing them to join us.”

“Morning everybody.” Their teacher walks in and everyone finds their rightful place. As the class starts, Donghyuck can’t help but let his eyes wander around, multiple times finding Jaemin staring at Jeno’s empty desk.

 

⌘

 

Donghyuck was ready to throw hands at whoever said _‘no’_ to the film project idea, but Mark guaranteed him that people would very much like it, mostly because it was easier then re-enacting a play. Yeri, Mark and _Pretty Mina_ volunteered to help Jaemin and Renjun out and hours later the whole school was talking about it, and Donghyuck was pretty sure the idea would be approved. And it was, on the next day. So the mess started there, and then they were in war trying to figure out what to do, and Mark had the brilliant idea of asking them to let some of the Seniors join their classes’ project. _Oh, joy._

 

_《“The Seniors can choose which class they’ll help and I want to help you guys out.”_

_“You?”_

_“Yeah, Hyuck.”_

_“Okay. But is it you in like ‘just’ Mark Lee, our average Straight Friend, or is it Mark Lee our average Straight Friend and more?”_

_Mark stares at him with an incredulous look, “W-What?”_

_“Just answer it, honey bean.”_

_“You’re… weird.” Still, Mark glues the side of is body against Hyuck’s. “But Yeri and Mina are coming too, and Lucas! You’re gonna love him.”_

_And there is Mina again. The pretty girl who’s always with Mark nowadays. Hyuck should probably get used to it._

  _“I guess it’s okay… we’ll need as much help as we can get.”_

_The smile on Mark’s face is breathtaking and so up close it makes Hyuck wonder how those lips would feel against his. It’s a quick thought, it comes and goes before the blink of an eye, but it’s not the first time it appeared on his mind. Like all the times before, he keeps it to himself and then locks it away.》_

Later, after dinner, he and Renjun FaceTime with Jeno to keep him updated with the classes and the newest gossip around their block. It almost feels like he’s there with them and not in his hometown, and although Hyuck feels like asking him to come back before Sunday, he doesn’t—he knows Jeno needs to take some time for himself, and he can see how rested he looks with just four days away from the boarding school. 

 

⌘

  

Jaemin is nervously playing the piano inside the empty classroom, the notes echoing and making him feel at ease. He hasn’t slept well since the Library Incident and he thought it was because Renjun wouldn’t talk to him, but he’s starting to think it was actually because of _someone else_. 

_Lee Jeno._ The sweetest guy on Earth—no sarcasm intended. The Jeno he remembers is a cute boy with a cute smile that made his eyes go into crescents, the boy who would hold him during thunderstorms or hold his hand under the desk instead of making his assignment. His best friend and maybe, _just maybe_ , his first love. His _only_ , because he never felt like that about someone again; because no one was Jeno and no one would ever compare. 

When it all happened and Jeno left, Jaemin was devastated. It was summer and but the world felt cold. When he came back, it was winter but it felt like the world was warm again, because his best friend was back.

Jeno texted him saying he was going back to visit and he remembers being so excited he told his mom the news while screaming and running around the house. He can’t remember much, but he knows his uncle said he’d take him to Jeno’s place where all the boys were, but they never made it there. It was a car accident, a drunk driver or something, the guy died while Jaemin and his uncle were rushed to the hospital. It took Jaemin one day to become stable and three to fully wake up; his uncle almost didn’t make it.

When he finally woke up he waited for Jeno but he never came. During one of his visits, Renjun told him Jeno had left the day Jaemin woke up. He felt suffocated, betrayed, hurt and disposable. How could his best friend do that to him? Was everything Jeno said a lie? Did it mean nothing in the end? All those years of friendship and of being each other’s safe place were all in vain? Jeno had left Korea and all his friends behind to have a new and better life in Los Angeles? He had left Jaemin? He didn’t know what to believe or what to do, he couldn’t even contact the boy, and it was starting to make him depressed. 

 

All he had was a note that said;

_Jaemin,_

_Get better soon._

_Please, don’t look for me._

_We’re better off without each other._

_—Lee Jeno._

 

Days turned into weeks that turned into months that turned into years, and here they are now. It’s confusing to him because he spent years resenting Jeno so he wouldn’t have to deal with his feelings and repress himself from going after the boy and now he needs to face him. He did what he was told; he kept his distance even though it killed him inside. But after some time, a year ago or so, he started to consider the idea that maybe not everything is what it seems, and maybe there’s always two sides to a story. Renjun was always so ready to defend Jeno, as if he knew something Jaemin didn’t, and Jaemin knows Renjun. His resentment towards Jeno kept him from reaching out to him, to Renjun, to anyone, and seeing the boy after almost four years just brought everything back to him. He felt left behind all over again, which is why the lashed out on Donghyuck and Mark—afraid they’d leave him again. But he wasn’t seeing the two boys, he was seeing fourteen years old Jeno, who’s also not to blame, and most of the times Jaemin is able to accept it, but not when Jeno is so close to him—so real, so touchable, _so Jeno._ So everything he’s been trying to repress since he left. Jaemin can’t resent him anymore, he’s tired and he missed him like crazy, he just wants to stop fighting but it seems impossible every time he looks at Jeno. Because not fighting would mean facing him, and facing him would mean hearing the truth. He’s not sure he’s ready for that.

 

“God, I need to stop walking into scenes like that.” He doesn’t stop playing when Donghyuck comes into the room, only shooting him a confused look. “You and Jeno have a thing for what I call _Melancholically Playing Piano While Spacing Out._ ”

Jaemin can’t help but laugh, “What?”

“Whatever you’re doing right now.” Donghyuck rests against the piano, smiling softly at Jaemin. “How are you doing buddy?”

 “I’m good.” He can't look at Hyuck so he stares at his hands while they move. “This school can get so overwhelming sometimes.” 

“Tell me about it… It’s the downside of always being stuck in here—there’s no place to run.”

 “True. Jeno is lucky.”

It’s almost a whisper, almost a thought, because he’s scared of saying Jeno’s name out loud when he’s with his friends, afraid they’re going to judge him—but they won’t, they never do. Donghyuck can be annoying most of the times but he’s just as loyal; Jaemin always adored that on him.

“Is he though? He’s just as lost as we are, Nana.”

“I guess, but he’s not here.”

Donghyuck shoots him a knowing and reassuring smile, “He’ll be back soon.”

“I know.” Jaemin stops playing, restless. He pats the empty space on the chair, smiling once Hyuck sits besides him and waits for whatever he has to say. “You know why Jeno and I stopped talking right?”

“Yes. After the car accident.” 

“Is that all you know?” Donghyuck is silent for a few seconds, hesitant, but that’s also an answer. “Yeah, that seems like a recurrent answer whenever I talk about the accident.” 

Donghyuck lets out a breathy laughter through his nose, “Not my business, babe.” 

He starts playing something in the piano—the first notes make Jaemin laugh effortlessly. And then Donghyuck starts singing an acapella version of Jaemin’s favorite Abba song.

 

_I was cheated by you_

_And I think you know when_

_So I made up my mind_

_It must come to an end_

_Look at me now,_

_Will I ever learn?_

_I don’t know how,_

_But I suddenly lose control_

_There’s a fire within my soul_

 

Donghyuck bumps his shoulder into his as the rhythm gets faster and Jaemin can’t stop smiling.

 

_Just one look_

_And I can hear the bell ring_

_One more look_

_And I forget everything_

_Oh, oh_

_Mamma mia,_

_Here I go again,_

_My, my,_

_How can I resist ya?_

_Mamma mia,_

_Does it show again?_

_My, my,_

_Just how much I missed ya?_

 

“ _YES, I’VE BEEN BROKEN HEARTED,”_ Jaemin doubles in laughter as Donghyuck sings loudly to the lyrics, joining him on the piano and the song. _“Blue since the day we parted… Why, why, did I ever let you go?”_

The piano gets dramatically melancholic again, but he’s still smiling as he thinks of the meaning behind the lyrics while he sings— _“Mamma mia, now I really know. My, my, I should not have let you go.”_

 

⌘

 

“Hyuck! How are you?”

The smile on Jisung’s face cheers Donghyuck up.

“I’m good! How long have you been in here? It feels like you haven’t been around since Monday’s class.”

Jisung laughs and brings the song’s volume down as Hyuck starts stretching.

“No, I’ve pretty much been around ever since you guys got here. You’re just too immersed in the drama to notice.”

“Huh. Makes sense.”

 

Jisung blasts the volume again and they start dancing to a choreography they got from a YouTube video just to warm up. Their teacher borrowed the dancing studio for them to practice in, and they’ve been trying to come up with a dance that means something. They need to speak through their movements and pass the right message, but that’s the difficult part.

“Okay. From the top in 1, 2, 3.”

Hyuck complies and sweat drips through his body, he’s been dancing non-stop for around an hour, and his body is starting to ask for help.

“Fuck. Jisung. _Water_.”

The younger rolls his eyes as Donghyuck chugs down a bottle of water like he hadn’t drank in months. He keeps going over the steps they created today, adjusting the choreography to the music they chose.

“You used to be better, hyung.”

_“Shut. The fuck. Up.”_ He takes deep breaths through words, lungs trying to calm down. “I’m not in my best shape today.”

“That’s because you’re thinking too much.”

“What would I be thinking about?”

Jisung shrugs, turning the volume down once again and sitting besides Hyuck at the cold floor. “Jeno hyung. The film project. _Mark hyung._ ”

“I don’t like the emphasis on Mark.”

Jisung shoots him a smile that says I know too much. He hates that smile with all his strength. And although he expects Jisung to get on his nerves, the younger doesn’t, and instead all he says is—“You shouldn’t worry about Mark hyung.”

“I don’t.”

“You do. But I’m telling you that you shouldn’t.”

“Can you stop talking like that? Are you Yoda?”

“That’s not how Yoda speaks, _uncultured_ —” He flinches when Donghyuck raises his hand. “Sorry! Geez, tough crowd.”

“Shut up.”

The younger gets up and takes Donghyuck’s hands to raise him up, then proceeds to drag the boy towards the center of the room. 

“I’m just saying; maybe if you stopped thinking too much and assuming things and actually payed attention, you’d understand what I’m talking about.” 

Donghyuck is confused by the words coming out of Jisung’s mouth. Or maybe he’s just trying to convince himself that he is.

 

⌘ 

 

“Hey Mark!” He looks over his shoulder, watching as Mina sits besides him with an excited smile on her face. “I was talking with Jaemin and that Chenle guy, he’s really nice! I heard he’s a great singer too.”

“He is.” Mark smiles proudly. “What were you guys talking about?”

“Yeri asked me to help Jaemin with everything. That means we’ll be going from class to class delivering forms and then we’ll have to pick them back and deliver to the Principal’s office.” 

“Damn, they’re really taking the film project seriously, aren’t they?”

She shrugs, “Eh, there’s money going into it, so…”

 He smiles softly while silently agreeing, then going back to his book. He’s been studying non-stop lately, taking all the help he can get from Mina and Yeri, while going over Lucas’ notes. Most of the times he studies with Mina though, because Yeri is always busy doing too many things at once and Lucas is always playing basketball or something. He’s trying to do great in the beginning so he can rest later without worrying about failing, which seems to be what all his friends are doing too.

 

“Mark?”

“Huh? Sorry.”

“It’s okay!” Mina shoots him one of her sympathetic smiles. “What’s going on with you?”

There’s this thought that always comes back to his mind in the middle of the night, during a boring lecture when he’s spacing out or when he’s doing his homework or trying to write songs thinking about everything and nothing at all; perhaps it’s more like a _person_ rather than a _feeling_ ; the thought of someone.

“I’m a bit confused.”

“You shouldn’t be.”

Mina knows him just as much as Lucas does, maybe because both of them have heard him whine about the same thing over and over again, or maybe because he’s just transparent when it comes to his feelings—except to the person’s eyes apparently. 

But then the topic is dropped because Mina starts reading equations and completely ignoring Mark’s recurrent existential crisis because she’s got enough of that, and Mark thinks that maybe Lucas and Mina might be right, maybe he shouldn’t think too much because it only makes him go crazy and mess things up, so he drops those thoughts knowing full well they’re going to come back to get him during quiet nights.

 

⌘

  

Jeno is not used to waking up to the smell of his mother’s food, so he cherishes it every morning. It’s almost time to go back to school and although he thought he’d be nervous, he isn’t. He’s been making peace with himself, thinking about the past and the present, learning how to be positive about the future. He spent so long hating himself for what he did to Jaemin when the boy needed him the most, how he let himself think that it was all his fault and how it all could have been different if he didn’t go back to Korea. The fourteen years old Jeno thought it would be easier to distance himself so Jaemin wouldn’t be hurt anymore, because all he did was make Jaemin’s life miserable; he chose to walk out of his life for the second time in months, but he wouldn’t come back, because Jaemin wouldn’t let him, and that was for the best. Was it really? Look at them now, he only made a bigger mess. Way to go, stupid.

“Why is my boy so spaced out?”

His mother finally asks. She refrained herself since he got there and Jeno figured it was because Doyoung told her not to ask him and give him time, but Jeno is okay now and he wants to talk about it. Of course, he wants to tell it to the boy waiting for him at school, but first he’ll look for comfort in his mother.

“Being back at school really got the best of me and these growing pains ain’t going away.”

“ _Growing pains?”_

Jeno smiles softly, “Yeah, like, puberty and hormones—except it’s not that, it’s all the confusing feelings and the pressure of doing something relevant, being a good student, knowing who you are and what you want, and—”

“Okay, babe. I get the memo.”

Now he’s laughing, cheeks burning, because it’s not just a _‘seeking for advice’_ talk, it’s a _‘please, know I’m trying to figure myself out’_ and maybe even a _‘thanks for tolerating me through all this’_ talk, because he never had the chance before. 

“It’s just—everything is confusing.”

“I know.”

 “Do you remember Jaemin?”

She smiles at that, “Yeah! How is he? He always always come talk to me whenever he sees me.” 

“Really? Wow.” Why would Jaemin ask about him after everything Jeno did to him? “Uh… he’s good, I guess. I don’t really know.” 

“You haven’t been talking to each other?”

Not looking her in the eyes, he says—“Not since I left after the accident.”

She sighs, “I know, but why? It’s been so long.”

“He hates me now.”

“He doesn’t hate you Jeno.”

He shrugs because there’s not much he can do or say, he can’t know for sure if Jaemin hates him or not, but the boy sure acts like he does.

“I don’t mind if he does. I had it coming.”

“Oh baby.” She walks towards him, standing behind his back and hugging him tight, chin resting on top of his head. It’s warm and it exhales unconditional love, and he closes his eyes trying to memorize the feeling of home and the sweet smell of vanilla. “Don’t do that to yourself. You need to let that go, because I’m sure Jaemin already did.”

“How can you know?”

There’s a pause where she tightens even more the hug, making Jeno feel some weight being lifted out of his body, and it feels a lot like... forgiveness. 

“He’d always ask me how you’re doing and tell me you guys weren’t in touch but that he still wished you well.” 

Jaemin’s heart is big but not a lot of people have the chance to be in it, and Jeno was always proud of being in there. Jaemin could hate him, but he was never a person to hold grudges, and Jeno always hated thinking that maybe Jaemin wouldn’t be angry at him forever because in his mind, he deserved it.

“I’ll try talking to him.”

She kisses his cheek, “I hope it works out.”

_Me too_. 

 

⌘

 

Jaemin finds himself in the library, back to that room filled with bookcases and too much information. He’s been organizing it the right way, hoping he can show Renjun he’s sorry, and maybe Jeno too. He really wants him to come back so they can finally talk, but he’s also nervous because he knows everything will change. Again. 

“What are you doing here?”

Jaemin shrieks and turns around only to see Renjun judging him hard.

“For fuck’s sake Renjun! As if this room isn’t scary enough on its own!”

“Damn, I’m that ugly?”

“Actually, yes.”

Renjun hits the back of his head once he gets closer and then pokes Jaemin’s tummy when he’s caught off guard laughing. 

“Ay, you can’t treat babies like that.” 

“I would ask ‘what baby’ but I really don’t wanna hear your answer.” 

Jaemin pouts and rests against the desk, staring around the messy room and then motioning it with his arms, “I was trying to surprise you and have one of those coming to reality moments but, as always, one of you had to come in and screw up my movie.”

“I worry about you sometimes.”

“Yeah, a lot of people do.”

“C’mon, why are you doing this?”

Jaemin shrugs, “I guess I’m trying to make things right somehow.”

“How is sorting books into bookshelves going to make things right for anyone?”

He throws a book at Renjun, “It will help me. It’s supposed to be symbolic to me and no one else, okay?” 

“Mmm, ‘kay.” The old grimaces for a while, still not done getting into Jaemin’s nerves. “How?”

“I don’t know. But it will.”

“Well, you do what you gotta do.”

Jaemin studies Renjun for a few seconds. Renjun who’s been his friend for as long as he can remember, who was there with him when he woke up, who always took care of him like a caring older brother and who always helps all his friends. Renjun would keep the darkest secrets if someone asked him to, that Jaemin knows from experience.

“I’m going to talk to him.” 

Renjun doesn’t look surprised, maybe relieved is the right word.

 “That’s good to hear.”

 “Will I regret it?”

Renjun shrugs, “There’s not much I can say, Nana.” 

“There you go again.”

“No, it’s not me trying to favor Jeno here, okay?”

“You’re always so quick to step up for him but you can never tell me anything!” 

“Maybe I didn’t tell you because it’s not my place!” Renjun takes a deep breath and tries to calm himself down. Jaemin waits, because that’s apparently all he can do. “Just because I’m always so quick to step up for him doesn’t mean I agree with what he did or didn’t do. But as his best friend I did what _I_ had to do.”

“But _I_ don’t understand!”

Renjun sighs, looking thorn, but he settles for embracing Jaemin. “Talk to him once he’s back, okay? Actually _talk_ to him, let Jeno tell you his side of the story and don’t assume things or let him push you away again.” 

Hugging him back as tight as he can, Jaemin nods, holding on to every word, “Okay.”

 

⌘

 

It’s almost 1am and he’s awake watching Boss’ pilot episode with Doyoung. He watched it earlier with his mom and dad while his brother was away, and the annoyingly needy guy pouted his way through convincing Jeno into watching it with him. So there they are, cuddling underneath the blankets while eating popcorn. There’s this scene Jeno really likes, where his character Jooheon knocks a guy out to save his hyung. He’s proud to say he did all his stunts. 

Once the episode ends, Doyoung claps for a whole minute, making Jeno push him with all his strength.

“Yah!” 

“I’m glad you like it.” 

“Of course I do! You’re really talented Jeno.”

They get into comfortable silence for a while and it’s peaceful. He’s been feeling so at ease lately, spending time with his family like the old days. When he asked Doyoung to stay for a week he thought he was only doing it to be away from everything, but he now understands that he really missed his family and how talkative and close they are.

“How are you feeling about going back?”

“I’m starting to feel okay with it. I guess it was just too much before, everything happened too fast. I didn’t got time to actually think and let myself feel one thing at a time.”

“We’ll always be here if you need us.” 

“Does that mean you’ll let me miss more classes?”

“Don’t try me, kid.”

 

⌘

  

It’s nearly three am when he gets a text that makes his heart beat faster than it ever did.

 

> jaemin:

_i want to talk when you come back_

 

> jeno:

_i want too_

_sunday night, okay?_

 

> jaemin:

_okay_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooohhh~ the revelation was dropped! sorry if you expect more lmao BUT HEY! THIS HIT +1K!!! THSNK YOU GUYS SO MUCH! i was so happy when i saw it omg I’ll keep trying my best to update weekly I promise!  
> lets talk! | [twitter](https://mobile.twitter.com/dearfdream)


	6. only thing that’s changed is your heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _First rest of my life today_   
>  _I found the smile I had lost_   
>  _First rest of my heart_   
>  _Although it’s not a perfect world_   
>  _In relaxation, life changes, first attempt.”_   
>  _**(fermata - oh!gg)** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> henlo, i swear I tried updating this chapter 20 fucking times but ao3 wasn’t helping me. also: really skippy chapter, it was supposed to be confusing and filled with random moments bc their memory from that time is hazy.

 

⌘

 

 

_fer·ma·ta_

_/fərˈmädə/_

_.: a pause of unspecified length on a note or rest._

_.:a mark over a note or rest that is to be lengthened by an unspecified amount._

  

》》》

 

It’s the first day of school and he’s nervous because he’ll be in this school for a long time and he won’t have his family around anymore, but Doyoung promised him the school is a nice place and that he’ll have fun and make a lot of friends. Besides, Doyoung is still there so he wouldn’t be completely alone, but Jeno is already thinking ahead. There’s a funny boy sitting next to him, his name is Donghyuck and he introduced himself as _Handsome Hyuckie_ with a blinding smile, and then proceeded to tell Jeno they’re going to be best friends and partners in crime. Jeno didn’t have the heart to deny it, big puppy eyes staring pleadingly at him.

They’re talking mindlessly and getting to know each other when someone sits on the desk behind his, both Donghyuck and Jeno turning around to stare at the boy. _Oh_ , Jeno’s mind goes.

 

“Hi! I’m Jaemin!” The smile on the boy’s face is bright and honest, as well as the curiosity in his eyes. “Who are you guys?” 

“I’m Donghyuck, but you can call me _Handsome Hyuckie_.”

Jeno rolls his eyes at Hyuck fondly and watches as the smile on Jaemin’s face widens even more, “Only if you call me Nana.” 

“Deal.” 

He was so caught up on the two boys that he forgot he was actually part of the talk, so he blushes when he notices both of them staring at him. 

“I’m Jeno.”

“And what can I call you, Jeno?”

Jeno shrugs slightly, “Whatever you want.”

Jaemin’s smile is soft now but just as pretty and sincere, and it’s like he wasn’t expecting for that answer in the first place, “Good.”

  

》》》

 

“LEE JENO!”

Jeno cringes and stops on his track when he, _and everyone else,_ hears Jaemin screaming his name. Before he even notices, there’s an arm around his shoulders and lips on the side of his face, a loud kiss being placed there, and he cringes even more. 

“What do you want, Jaeminnie?” He whines, trying his best to hide how much he enjoys the attention, “I’m busy.” 

“Yeah, okay! Step all over me, won’t you? Ignore my undying love for you, Lee Jeno—”

“Ugh. Why are you so dramatic?” 

“Don’t you dare!”

Jeno is laughing and Jaemin is outraged, but the grasp he’s got around Jeno only tightens; dispite popular belief, Jeno is not into skinship and he’d rather not do it when there’s a lot of people, but spending two years with Jaemin and Donghyuck, confined with nowhere to run away from them, he got used to it. By _‘used’_ he means he tries hard not to implode whenever they get a bit too much.

“Hey! You two!”

They stop abruptly.

“Aw, look at your brother being all cute with his cute friend.” Ten, Doyoung’s annoying friend, coos over them while nodging Doyoung’s elbows. “Hi guys!” 

_Annoyingly pretty smile, ugh._  

“Hi Ten hyung!” Jaemin waves excitedly, pretty smile meeting pretty smile and Jeno is sure the sun was found shaking. “Where were you guys?” 

“Our class went to a museum!” 

“How are you, tough guy?” Doyoung drags Jeno away from Jaemin and sidehugs him. “Sorry I don’t have enough time to be with you anymore.”

“Don’t worry, you’re almost graduating, you should focus on studying.” 

“Such a smart boy, tsk.”

Jeno smirks, “Well, one of us had to be.”

Doyoung pinches his side.

  

》》》

 

Jaemin is alone at the library; it’s Halloween’s eve and the students are helping the school’s staff put everything up and customize the whole place. Still, Jaemin had the great idea of forcing Jeno and Renjun to come to the library at night to help him sort the place out. Because doing it during the daylight was just too basic for him. They even asked for Donghyuck and Mark to help, but of course they managed to escape Jaemin’s puppy eyes. Like Renjun said before, there’s a reason students don’t volunteer to help customizing the library: it’s creepy at night. And maybe because seniors wouldn’t shut up about how no one should go in there alone and etc, but Jeno is a whole cethic when it comes to the Senior’s bullshit.

Still, there he is—approaching an oblivious Jaemin from behind and squeezing his side while whispering, _“Got you.”_

Jaemin jumps and feels like his soul just left his body, his insides going as cold as ice and heart racing like crazy, meanwhile Jeno doubles in laughter, his chest shaking against Jaemin’s back and he finds the advantage of hitting Jeno’s belly with his elbow. 

“Yah! Don’t do that!”

“Ugh, you’re such a whiny baby.”

Jeno finally lets go of him and go sit on a table while looking around at every corner of the library, “This place _really is_ creepy at night.”

“It’s probably because of the wide windows.”

“Nah, I’m pretty sure it’s the place itself really.”

Jaemin rolls his eyes, “You’re a scary baby.” 

“Am not.” 

Now Jaemin is too close to him, so close that not even two long years of his clinginess prepared him for it, and there’s a smirk filled with mischief on his lips, “Don’t worry Lee Jeno, I can hold your hand if you want.”

“Ugh, really?”

Renjun looks grossed out and Jaemin should, but he doesn’t, distance himself from Jeno, but he only sticks his tongue out at Renjun. 

“C’mon Injunnie, I was trying to get my first kiss!”

That freaks Jeno out way more than the library at night on Halloween’s eve.

 

》》》

 

It’s been three years now since he got to the school and he’s wondering if it’s worth a shot signing for the school’s play. The one with the big guys looking for young actors. He always loved performing, the theater club was the first he signed into when he got here and he’s been playing _High School Musical_ non-stop ever since. He enjoys it, he made so many friends and it brought him even closer to his passion. When he was a kid, his mother was scouted by a guy on the streets who said she should sign Jeno for commercials on his agency. Turns out it was an important one and he got signed and did many advertisements and even some appearances on dramas. He gave up on t when he was nine years old to focused on school, the next year he got into the boarding school. So it makes him nervous thinking important people will be watching the play, but he still signs the paper, followed by Donghyuck and Mark, the coolest hyung— _sorry Doyoung._

But that’s something he should worry later, because it’s nighttime and he’s trying to survive a murder. 

Playing mafia with everyone is one of the perks of studying in a boarding school—you’re so bored that you start making board games become reality. It’s a Friday and they have no classes tomorrow, so they’re allowed to wander around, and play. They play by groups of at least seven people, two of them being the _informed minority_ (the mafia) and the other five being the _uninformed majority_ (the innocents). They play at night and during the morning after breakfast they’ll reunite and vote to eliminate a suspect.

So they’re gathered around their circle of friends, Jisung and Chenle being the new ones around, and Ten and Doyoung joined them too. Doyoung is the moderator who puts them all to sleep and then he proceeds to ask for the mafia to wake up—they know who they are from picking the Ace cards out. The other players are still ‘asleep’ with their head down while the mafia picks the victims. Since they’re actually acting everything out, whoever is the Detective/Police needs to keep his identity a secret and only reveal it to the Moderator, as well as the Doctor. The Mafia are only ones who knows everyone’s identity while the Detective needs to figure it out by themselves. 

 

As the night goes, the school becomes chaos, students running everywhere, loud laughter, muffled screams and it’s so much fun that Jeno almost forgets his role in their game. That’s when Donghyuck approaches him.

“The hell you’re doing all alone observing everyone?”

Jeno is resting against one of the buildings, smiling at Hyuck, “I’m trying to stay alive.”

“What if you’re from mafia?”

“What if I am?”

Donghyuck rolls his eyes, “I’m watching you, Lee Jeno.”

Jeno laughs at Hyuck’s lack of care— _Police_ , Jeno thinks to himself. His attention is caught by an arm wrapping around his shoulder and a hand covering his mouth, then comes a whisper—“You see, Lee Jeno, if I was Mafia I’d have killed you.”

He smirks, “I’m glad you’re not.”

Jaemin lets go of him, but not before leaving a kiss on his cheek. After that, Jeno tries focusing on the game and not on freaking the hell out.

It’s an hour after they start that Chenle screams ‘ _GUESS WHO JUST GOT MURDERED!’_ and throws himself on the ground dramatically. 

Turns out, Jaemin was the doctor; Donghyuck and Mark were the police; Doyoung the mediator; Jisung, Chenle and Renjun the townspeople; Ten and Jeno the mafia. Ten killed Mark and Renjun while Jeno killed Chenle, but Jaemin used his power of protection and brought Renjun back to life, but still the mafia won and hell was set loose.

 

“Lee Jeno, why didn’t you kill me?”

It’s late at night and they’re lying on their respective beds, a soft smile on Jeno’s lips.

“But if I killed you, how would I be your first kiss?”

He knows Jaemin is blushing and it makes him smile even more. He’s so used to being left speechless by Na Jaemin that this moment feels like victory.

“I—I don’t believe in you.”

Jeno turns around in bed so he’s facing Jaemin who’s already looking at him, “Wait for me.” 

Jaemin nods, it’s a barely there nod, but Jeno sees it and that’s enough.

  

》》》

 

“WAKE THE FUCK UP LEE JENO!” The high pitched scream comes from Donghyuck and he assumes he’s also the one jumping on his bed. They’re not at school anymore, summer break treating them nicely. They still see each other a lot and Donghyuck lives closer to him so he’s used to having him around a lot more but not waking up being thrown off his own bed.

“Hyuck!” Now that’s Mark’s voice. “C’mon Jeno, we got news!”

Jeno takes his time to fully wake up and then sits down on the floor and rubs his eyes, lazily looking up at them.

“What?”

“Have you checked your e-mail?”

“Do I look like I check my e-mail during the night, Donghyuck?” 

The boy rolls his eyes and fiddles with something on his phone, paying close attention to whatever he’s looking and then showing it to Jeno. His sight hurt because of the brightness and it takes him a few seconds to be able to read it, but once he does his heart is racing like crazy.

 “Is that true?”

Mark and Donghyuck smile widens and they nod excitedly. It’s all blur; Jeno screamed, Donghyuck and Mark hugged him, they all fell to the floor, Doyoung and his parents ran into the room not understanding a single thing and then everyone was straight out screaming like crazy and there was a lot of tears.  

 

“So you’re leaving?”

Jaemin was the first person besides his family he told the news to, and they’re at the park near the younger’s house, and they’re the only ones there—swinging in the swings.

“Yeah. In a few months.”

“Next year?”

“Yeah, around this time, if everything works out.”

“Of course it will. You’re all so talented, the roles are yours.”

He stands his hand and waits for Jaemin to hold it, and he does, intertwining their fingers. It’s warm as always. “Will you be okay?”

“I will. C’mon, I’m strong.”

“Of course you are, but you know that’s not what I mean.”

“Yeah. I promise I’ll be okay.”

“Okay.”

“I’ll miss you.”

Jeno smiles because Jaemin whines instead of talking normally and his heart can’t take it, “I’ll miss you too.”

Jaemin purses his lips, squeezing Jeno’s hand and caressing it with his thumb. Jeno knows he’s happy for him but that it’s hard for them to think about parting ways, he doesn’t want to think about having to say goodbye.

“Hey.” Jaemin looks at him, colored blue by the moonlight, “We still have some time.”

“Let’s enjoy it together, mhm?”

“Let’s enjoy it together.”

  

》》》

  

Jeno was almost fourteen and he traveled to Los Angeles to do an audition and got casted for a show that was going to be a big deal. Donghyuck and Mark got casted with him too. As the show is centered on Asian characters, they told him that not knowing English isn’t a problem at all, and that once he moves, he’ll catch on it. _Moving_ , that’s the problem right there; although he expected it, he’s still nervous and sad about it. That was also the first thing Jaemin talked about when Jeno landed in Seoul.

 

“Jaemin!”

He hugs Jaemin tightly, so tight he takes Jaemin off the ground because he can, which makes the other boy laugh.

“Did you miss me?”

Jaemin smiles as they break apart but remain close to each other, “Madly.”

The smile on Jaemin’s face disappears after a few moments passed staring at each other’s eyes, and Jeno furrows his eyebrows.

 “What?”

Jaemin shrugs, “You’re leaving.”

 

》》》

 

The time he’s got left in Korea and at school is filled with his friends and _Jaemin, Jaemin, Jaemin;_ he tries his best to ignore the feeling inside on his guts telling him that he’s going to leave and won’t see the boy everyday, won’t share a room with him, won’t be there to hug him during thunderstorms and will be the best friend who left for Los Angeles. He fears Jaemin will forget him, move on from him, find another best friend who’s more present and better. He tries thinking otherwise, but sometimes his mind tricks him, and he lets it. 

 

It’s late at night and he can’t sleep. He can hear Jaemin’s soft breathing and the wind outside the building, and he’s been staring at the ceiling for the past ten minutes or so. He’s been thinking a lot, maybe too much, but he can’t help himself. He’s thinking too much but that’s okay, it means he’s nervous and that means he really wants what’s to come. Right?

_“Jaemin.”_ He whispers with no intention of making himself heard. _“I’m scared. What if what I’m doing is wrong? What if I regret it or if I’m not good enough? What if you forget about me?”_

He takes a deep breath, gets out of bed and tiptoes towards Jaemin’s, settling himself while trying not to wake the younger. But it doesn’t work because Jaemin’s eyes open and he smiles at Jeno not daring to say a word, but still letting him know that he heard it somehow. One of his arms settle around Jeno’s belly, his hand caressing the lower part of his back, face so close to his that their noses are brushing. It’s warm and safe. 

 

》》》

  

They’re at Donghyuck’s house in Jeju Island, in a getaway weekend before the three boys leave for California. Doyoung and Johnny volunteered to go with them and supervise, but Jeno doubted any supervising would be done—still, having both of them was better than having Donghyuck’s parents around. 

The house is cozy, it’s the house Donghyuck used to live in before moving to Seoul, and he always talked about it, and what better way to say goodbye then taking them there? _Saying goodbye,_ Jeno hates that term, but he needs to face it. It’s what he chose.

 

“Why are you overthinking?”

Jeno is at the house’s porch in one of the comfortable couches, he had been lazily playing the guitar he found in the living room, enjoying the sunset and keeping his mind busy. Well, he thought he was keeping it busy.

“I’m not overthinking.”

Jaemin rolls his eyes, “But you are. I know you.”

“Of course you do.”

He’s playing the accords to a Pink Floyd song, his favorite, and it never fails to calm him down. And he’s also starting to relate to the lyrics lately. 

“That’s a nice song.”

“It is.” He smiles softly at Jaemin, not feeling like saying too much because he just knows the boy understands. “Do you know the lyrics to it?” 

“Not really.” A giggle scapes his mouth, but it’s out of shyness. “Do you?”

_“Mmm.”_  

With a smile on his pink lips and looking breathtakingly beautiful, Jaemin whispers, “Sing it to me then.”

 And Jeno does.

_“So, do you think you can tell Heaven from Hell, blue skies from pain? Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail, a smile from a veil? Do you think you can tell?”_

His voice is not loud enough for the boys to hear him from the living room, it’s meant only for Jaemin, almost like a confession. 

_“And did they get you trade your heroes for ghosts, hot ashes for trees, hot air for a cool breeze, cold comfort for change? And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a leading role in a cage?”_

He doesn’t get to sing the chorus, because suddenly there are soft lips on his and the guitar is being pushed away from his lap. And that’s just it—lips pressed against each other for a few seconds, but it means so much to him, _to them_. Jeno had always wondered how it would feel like being kissed by Jaemin, what it would mean for their friendship and how Jaemin would react if Jeno kissed him first; but it was the younger who did it, and Jeno can only feel sparks. 

When Jaemin pulls away and looks into his eyes and then back at his lips, Jeno feels almost dazed, “I kept my promise.”

 “Which one?”

Jaemin tilts his head and the soft smile on his lips is breathtaking just like him, but maybe Jeno is just biased. 

“I told I’d wait for you, so you could be my first kiss.”

Jeno lets out an airily laughter, unable to hide how proud he is for being Jaemin’s first kiss, “Good. I did too.”

They stare lovingly at each other for what feels like minutes, but Jeno is half aware that it was only seconds—still, that atmosphere is so new to them; the flushed cheeks, the whispered talks, the caressing, hands meeting halfway and a few more soft kisses being distributed on each other’s lips, cheeks and foreheads.

 

That weekend was bittersweet; Jeno was happy, surrounded by the friends he loved most and had just kissed the boy he was in love for so long, yet the nostalgic feeling and the awareness that goodbye was coming only left a sour taste in his tongue; Jaemin kissed it away many times that weekend, but in the end it always came back, just as their time was running out. 

 

_“Let’s not be dramatic about this, it’s supposed to be a ‘see you later’ and not a ‘goodbye forever’, right? We’ll always be us, no matter what. Can you guys promise me this?”_ Donghyuck was the one to say that, and the six boys didn’t even think about it before promising, because a future where they weren’t together was completely out of the picture and they’d rather dismiss the idea. _“If you don’t talk about it then it doesn’t exist or happen,”_ Mark is the one who always says that. Jeno thinks it’s true.

Or he _used_ to think it was true; because he tried not talking about leaving and he still did. He said goodbye to his friends and cried with them, he said goodbye to his parents and promised he’d always call and keep them updated, he held Doyoung’s hand while the plane took flight Because he was scared but at least his hyung was with him. He moved to a house with Doyoung, Johnny, Mark and Donghyuck in freaking California and starred in a series that became a fever; he did _what_ he had to do _when_ he had to do and _how_ it should be done.

_It’s what should have happened,_ he’ll proceed to tell himself.

 

》》》

  

It’s all a blur for him, just as it is for Jaemin.

While Jaemin was unconscious, Jeno just made it his duty to forget all of it; the excitement of going back home, how happy he felt while meeting his friends and waiting for Jaemin, how heartbroken he was when he heard the news. 

Jaemin doesn’t know that, but Jeno was the only person besides Jaemin’s family who was able to be with him when they moved the younger to a private room, Jaemin’s mom made sure of it. Out of three days the boy was unconscious, Jeno sat by his side through it all. 

 

_“How are you, sweetie?”_ Jaemin’s mom voice is filled with warmth now that her son is out of the woods. _“You haven’t left even to have something to eat.”_

_“I’m okay.”_ He smiles softly at her, holding Jaemin’s hand and working on his own breathing to remain calm. _“Don’t worry about me! You should eat too.”_  

_“I just did.”_ She leaves something on the bedside table and caresses his shoulder. _“I brought you some food, so please eat, Jeno. I told your mom I’d take good care of you, we don’t want her to be upset.”_

She sits down at the couch; the one he’s been sleeping, it’s actually pretty comfortable. 

_“You look tired, Miss Na.”_

_“I’ll only be able to rest once he finally wakes up. Being out of danger isn’t enough for me to breathe properly.”_

  _“He’s getting better. His hand is warmer now.”_

_“That’s good to know.”_

 

Jeno got to the conclusion that he wouldn’t be able to face Jaemin, carried by misplaced guilt and recklessness, so he made himself believe that everything happened because he went back to Seoul and because Jaemin went to see him, otherwise the accident wouldn’t have happened, _right_? He was holding Jaemin’s hand tightly throughout the three days, but he would leave as soon as he felt like Jaemin was going to wake up, and he knew it would happen soon. He had felt a light pressure on his hands before Miss Na came into the room, so he knew what he had to do.

 

_“Can I ask you a favor, Miss Na?”_

_“Of course, love. What is it?”_

_He looks back at Jaemin’s face, tightening his hold, “I have a flight today. I wrote him something and Renjun will deliver it to him, but I was wondering if you could not tell him about me being here.”_

_There are a lot of emotions going through her face, and it takes her a while to nod, still looking confused and… sad?_

_“Sure. Yeah, sure. But… why?”_

_He shakes his head, looking at the ceiling trying to hold back his tears, “I just… I think it’s best for both of us to take some time away from each other.”_

_“Oh, honey, no.”_

_“Please, Miss Na. It’s already hard for me and it’s going to be hard for him too, so let’s just…”_

_“Okay.” She gets up and hugs him from behind, ever so loving just like Jaemin and his own mother. “I hope you’re able to forgive yourself one day, Jeno.”_

_Forgive himself? Is he even deserving of that?_

 

He left that night, Jaemin woke up hours later and they never talked again.

 

》》》

 

Jeno is standing at the door, heart almost jumping out of his chest. He doesn’t know what to expect, and to be completely honest he’s trying to keep his expectations low, maybe Jaemin will tell him how wrong he is at everything, maybe he’ll scream at him how he shouldn’t be there or maybe he won’t say anything at all. Meanwhile, inside the room Jaemin is sitting on his bed, breathing deeply and slowly, trying to organize his thoughts and every bit of information he collected.  

Jeno finally knocks and Jaemin gets up as fast as he can, speed walking towards the door and taking a few seconds before opening it. Once he does, they can only stare at each other, both too choked up to even move. But Jaemin is trying, so he coughs and looks anywhere but at Jeno.

“Come in. Chenle isn’t here.”

Jeno complies and sits on Chenle’s bed while waiting for Jaemin, who sits on his own bed so they’re facing each other.

Jaemin is gathering the courage to ask Jeno what he’s been dying to, but he takes his time while Jeno waits for him. It’s ironic, really, because it seems all they ever do is wait for each other. But it’s different now, at least Jaemin wants it to be, because he grew tired of it. Now, all he wants is to lift that weight from his shoulders, wants to go back to being… _them_. If that’s still possible.

“Why didn’t you visit?”

That’s it. That was the big question that everyone seemed to know the answer but Jaemin.

“Jaemin—”

“Why, Jeno? After the accident! I woke up and you weren’t there! And I never saw you again!”

Jeno opens and closes his mouth and it makes Jaemin mad because all the boy can say is, “Jaemin…”

He gets up and his voice is louder than before, “Stop saying my fucking name and tell me! I’m asking you _why_ , damn it!”

“Do you really want to hear it?” Jeno gets up to And now they’re face to face. “Do you really?”

“Of course! We wouldn’t be in this mess if I knew the answer!”

“I really doubt that.”

Jaemin takes a deep breath, unable to look at the boy in front of him, and also unable to control the tears that are about to drop. The silence is too numbing, even for them. 

“I just want to know.” His voice is lower now. “Because I know you’ve been lying to me this whole time.” 

“We haven’t talked in so long…”

“You don’t need to talk to hide something.”  

“I’m selfish Jaemin.” It’s a whisper carried with too much feelings it scares the younger. “I don’t want you to be even more mad at me, but I know I deserve it.” 

“I’m not mad Jeno. I’m not mad.”

Jeno’s head is hanging low and Jaemin gulps because he can feel it coming. He braces himself. 

“You were unconscious for 72 hours even though you were declared out of danger.” Jaemin can only stare at him with ready eyes and mouth hanging open. “I know that because I was there. For seventy-two hours, by your side.”

 “You’re lying.”

Jaemin can’t even talk, tears choking him up. 

“I’m not.”

“You weren’t there! I’d know it if you were! They would tell me—”

“I asked them not to!” Jeno’s voice is louder now. “I asked your mom, my mom and the boys to pretend I wasn’t there.”

“Why?!” 

“Because it was because of me you almost died!” 

“Of course not! A drunk driver—”

“No, Jaemin. You were on your way to see me.”

“So what?! That doesn’t make you the one to blame!”

“It does!” Jeno takes a step back when Jaemin takes one forward. “It did! I don’t know anymore, okay? I couldn’t deal with the blame and I couldn’t gave you because I was too scared you’d hate me.” 

Jaemin laughs airily and dryly, staring at the boy in front of him while coming to the realization that the last four years were a complete lie and that Jeno suffered just as much as he did.

“Fuck.” He sits down on his bed, head spinning while tears fall down. “ _Fuck_. Why didn’t you tell me that? Why did you do that?”

Jeno kneels down on the floor, shrugging while looking as heartbroken as Jaemin does, “I don’t know. I’m sorry.” 

“Fuck. I hate you so much.”

He can’t hide the tears anymore and he lets it all out, the frustration, how much he missed the boy, the times he spent blaming himself and the time she resented Jeno. He can only keep repeating how much he hates the boy although those are empty words and he means he’s missed him so much. 

“I hate you. I really do, I hate you so much.”

“I know.”

Jeno is close now, knelt down in front of him, face puffy and wet from tears, and Jaemin can’t help but push him towards so he can wrap his arms around his shoulders and hug him tight. He sobs, more tears coming and wetting Jeno’s shirt, but they don’t care.

“I hate you so much.”

“I know.” It’s all Jeno says every time. “I’m sorry. God, I missed you.”

“I missed you too. So much.”

“I hope you can forgive me one day.”

Jaemin shakes his head, fingers treading Jeno’s hair and arms hugging him tighter, “I never blamed you, Jeno. Never once, even if I wanted to resent you, it was never your fault. _Never_.”

“I’m a fucking idiot.”

Jaemin _actually_ laughs, “You are. But so am I.” 

It’s in that moment, with Jaemin on his arms, on his mind and on his heart, that Jeno feels that feeling again—like a weight being lifted out of his body; of letting go, of moving on, of redemption; _of forgiveness._

 

》》》 

 

**_/ unsent note /_**  

_Jaemin,_ _I’m writing this so you know_ _that I want you to get better_ _as fast as possible. Please,_ _don’t hate me too much._ _I know you will, but I also_ _know that your heart is pure_ _and that when time comes,_ _if it comes, and I hope it does,_ _you will welcome me back_ _into your heart, like you did once._

_When the time comes, we will_ _meet again. Because we’re us._

— Always yours, Jeno

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [twitter](https://mobile.twitter.com/dearfdream)  
>  1\. oh!GG is such a great unit i love them so much  
> 2\. i wrote the mafia game before dingo made them play it can u beleaf me?!  
> 3\. nomin contradicting themselves and leaving their proud asses aside to be together aw  
> 4\. ao3 is a fucking bitch who gives me such a hard time to update


	7. one shot, two shots

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“All the changes I feel_  
>  _I decided to just accept them._ ”  
> (boa - one shot, two shot)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [gasps] she’s alive! a tiny 3k drabble to prove i haven’t left this story aside! forgive any typos, wrote this at work and wanted to post soon!

 

⌘

 

 

Thinking that everything would go back to normal after the moment they shared was hopeful thinking; Jeno is smart enough to understand that it will take time, and he’s okay with it. He took his time to understand himself and what he was feeling, so now it was Jaemin’s turn to do it. Finding out that everyone around him knew the truth was definitely a hit on the guts, but he tried his best to be understanding—that is, after giving them all a cold shoulder, ignoring them almost a whole week and only directing to them if it was highly necessary. Otherwise, they were dead to him. But he’s Jaemin, so of course after being petty he decided they needed to give him all the love and attention in order to be forgiven.

 

Jeno and Jaemin were still acting weird around each other though, but at least they were trying. _Barely_. Jeno doesn’t want to force him into talking, he knows Jaemin needs to sort everything out. He knows. But it becomes hard when all he wants to do is talk about stuff, laugh together and be them again. 

 

Jeno is struggling and Jaemin is confused. Seems like everything is back to normal.

 

 

⌘

 

 

“Injun, you busy?”

Jaemin closes the door behind him, not thinking twice before throwing himself on Renjun’s bed. The boy is currently on his desk writing down what Jaemin assumes to be the short movie’s script.

“Not to you.”

Jaemin rolls his eyes but smiles to himself. He had been a bit too harsh to the older, but in his defense he had it coming. And he might be past that, but it’s still funny and almost endearing how they’re all treating him.

“Then pay attention to me.”

Renjun turns around with the chair, “Such a whiny baby!”

“Oh, shut up! If you’re not going to take me seriously then I’ll go find Chenle.”

Renjun becomes serious. “Sorry.” He smiles softly. “What is bothering you, my child?”

“ _Jeno Drama_.”

Renjun raises his eyebrows dramatically, eyes going wide. “That’s brand new information!”

He throws a plushie on the older, “Take me seriously!”

“I am taking you serious! But you should know how much Jeno and Jaemin’s drama I have been dealing with for years!” He punches the plushie out of frustration but Jaemin can only find it endearing. “Just admit you’re still in love with each other and make out already.”

Jaemin is baffled, mouth hanging open in shock as he stands up, “I’m leaving!”

And he if he hadn’t been in such hurry, he would have noticed the door opening and a distracted Jeno walking in, his back hitting the boy’s hard chest.

“Shit.” Jaemin turns around looks up, startled. “Sorry Jeno.”

He knows his cheeks are burning but he tries acting as if he’s too cool to care. Jeno doesn’t look like he notices it though, smiling brightly at him.

“It’s okay, Jaemin!”

Renjun does gagging noises as Jaemin stays still, staring at Jeno for a bit longer than necessary, but it’s not his fault when Jeno’s wearing a basketball shirt the shows off his strong arms and—

He coughs, looking at their feet, “Uh. I’m— _leaving_.”

He power walks out of the room, leaving a confused Jeno and amused Renjun behind. Shrugging, Jeno closes the door to their room and smile at the older boy.

“He’s so cute!”

Renjun rolls his eyes, turning around so he can go back to the scripts and ignore Jeno completely.

“How about you both spare me?”

Jeno raises his head from the mattress, “What do you mean by both?”

Renjun can only sigh.

 

 

⌘

 

 

The school allows them to go out of school when they start shooting their respective movies. They went as far as giving them some class free days so they can focus on it. They will also be giving them the technological material they’ll need, but thankfully they allowed the students to record it on their phones too, if the quality is qualified. 

“You heard that, Jaem?” Donghyuck whispers and Jaemin side-eyes him, knowing what’s coming. “No recording with your Samsung.”

Although the time off would take weeks to come, they had exams to prepare for and a lot of homework to do. Since they were starting to be their would selves again—or as close to it they could get— Jaemin decided to help his friends by making a study date with them every Wednesdays and Fridays, and it all adds up to Jeno’s busy schedule.

 

“You’re almost done, Jeno!” Minhee, the make up noona, tells him. Somewhere between reading his notes for the exams and for today’s ment, he fell asleep like a stone. He’s been doing it a lot lately and it always makes the crew coo over him like he’s a baby. “Rest more. There’s still half an hour to go.”

He falls back to sleep and then is woken up by one of the staff. He brushes his teeth as fast as he can and meets Yeri and Daehyun near the stage. Once they walk and are received with a heartfelt cheer from the fans waiting their groups, the cameras start rolling and the director motions for them to start.

“Good afternoon Music Bank!” He smiles while holding the mic and the notes. “I hope you’re excited for today as much as we are! I’m Jeno, your angel!”

He scrunches his nose out of cringeness and it makes Yerin chuckles right before she introduces herself, “Hi everyone! I’m Yerin, let’s have fun today!”

“Yes, we will!” Daehyun smiles brightly. “I’m Daehyun. How are you everyone?”

They go their part at introducing the groups. Jeno is really nervous because EXO has a stage today and he’s going to get the chance of meeting them. Well, at least being on the same stage as them.

While the groups are on stage, he’s standing near the stage so he can see the presentations, and his phone won’t stop buzzing. It’s the movie project’s group on Kakao.

 

 

**minayah > ** _oh~ jeno is sooooo cool! fighting!_

**jinnie > ** _will you meet exo? OMG!_

**fullsun > ** _geez how come mark and i weren’t called in_

**morklee > ** _hyuck i mc a lot…. sorry people don’t want u…_

**fullsun >** _shut up don’t u have a study date?_

**minayah >** _we do have a study gathering but everyone is busy watching music bank…_

**fullsun > ** _fighting Mina! you can always hit mark~_

**morklee >** _hyuck shut up_

**minayah > ** _thanks hyuck! i’ll try that!_

**morklee >** _for fucks sake_

**injunie >** _JENO HUG YIXING FOR ME_

**jaeminah > ** _why is everyone being loud_

**jaeminah > **_oh_  

**cooljisung >** _yeah prez pretend ur not watching jeno on tv ;)_

**fullsun > ** _LMAO EXPOSED_

**jaeminah >** _lol…. cleaning duty tomorrow boys_

**fullsun >** _FUCK YOU JISUNG_

**cooljisung >** _BEING HONEST IS A CRIME????_

**injunnie >** _lmao he really didn’t lie tho_

**jaeminah >** _u too renjun :)_

**chenlegend >** _yall are fools_

 

 

Jeno chuckles to himself and ignores the fluttering feeling on his stomach when he thinks about Jaemin watching him. Damn it, he’s starting to feel self-conscious.

“Do I look good?”

Yerin looks up from her phone and narrows her eyes at him, “Depends. Who are you trying to impress?”

“Probably Kai sunbaenim. Or Baekhyun sunbaenim. Or Xiumin—”

“God, Daehyun, I got it.” Jeno runs a hand through his hair and takes a deep breath. “There’s this… boy.”

Both girls open their mouths in surprise and jump excitedly while clapping their hands.

“Awww, that’s so sweet! You want to impress him don’t you?”

“ _No_!”

“Of course you do! Look at you… all cutesy fidgeting.”

“Aw, don’t worry Jeno! You look good! Like a real pop star, even better than your character does.”

He watches as Daehyun side-hugs Yerin, head resting on her shoulders. He frowns. “That makes no sense. We’re the same person.”

Both girls shake their heads and snort, “ _Nuh-uh.”_

Jeno is damned now and also a bit too aware of his surroundings. He holds his breath when nine members pass through him, almost choking on his spit when Baekhyun, Chanyeol, Junmyeon and Kyungsoo bow for them—they were the ones closest to them. He almost died with the girls while they’re in stage and it all becomes a blur until the end. 

“We’re back everyone! Now it’s time for the results. All fans voted very hard today but only one group will get the win!”

“Let’s see who it is!”

They look at the screen as three groups show up and the results start rolling. It’s no surprise when EXO is designated first place.

“EXO!”

Everyone is clapping and Jeno is smiling widely when he’s given the trophy so he can pass it to Junmyeon. The older smiles and thanks him and the girls with a bow. They start singing their son as the MCs bid their goodbyes and end today’s Music Bank. He practically passes out when Yixing motions for him to sing, the other members dancing with the girls.

 

 

⌘

 

 

It’s late when he goes back to school. He won’t have to worry about another Music Bank for a month; Daniel, Joy and Kevin taking their place. The crew went on a dinner, they decided to have pizza and enjoy the evening since they’ve been working non-stop with the live transmissions the past week. It’s 9:30pm when he enters his building, sighing while going upstairs. Jeno halts his moves when he almost bumps into someone.

“ _Oh_. Jaemin. Sorry.”

The boy in front of him smiles—for his utter surprise, those stupid butterflies partying inside him. “It’s okay. You must be tired, right?”

“Yeah, I really am.” Jeno sighs, watching as Jaemin rests against the wall. “If I’m not reading scripts, I’m reading my notes. Barely sleeping and coming back to do exams.”

“Oh, poor you.” Jaemin coos, pouring cutely as he eyes Jeno, who blushes like crazy. “I can help you study. I’ve been helping all of them and I know you’re a bit behind so we can just study with them and then just us.”

Just us.

“Yeah… Okay.”

Jaemin smiles brightly and pats his shoulder, “Cool! You should go rest, we’ll talk tomorrow! Goodnight Jeno!”

“Night Jaemin!”

He’s left behind watching the boy go down the stairs while skipping, almost as if he’s happy that Jeno accepted studying with him. Jeno sighs and clutches his chest, squealing like Yerin and Daehyun, “ _Hhhng. My heart!”_

 

That night, Jeno falls asleep cuddling with Renjun after the boy makes him tell him all about EXO and Yixing, but Jeno doesn’t mind since Renjun listens to him blabbering about Jaemin and how his heart go  _booom_.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> |[twitter](https://mobile.twitter.com/dearfdream)|  
> [new fic! **markhyuck au**](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16270181)  
>  so... i have been writing a lot of fics but they’re not nomin, except for this one. they’re markhyuck centered and that’s why i decided to take out the markhyuck tag from this one (even tho im planning on a separate drabble about their relationship in this story).  
> PLEASE BE PATIENT! don’t give on me, ive been working non-stop and barely have time to update but I’ll try to not take too long. Love yall!!


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